Sunday, April 28, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Miss Toni-Kaye has inspired me more than words can say. She is such a strong woman. She is going through some hard times yet whenever I see her she is confident and loving. She is giving and caring. She has accomplished SO much that it has really made me want to strive to better myself. She has gone to cosmetology school, working full-time, being a wonderful mom, shes back in school, cooks meals, gives her spare time (what she has of it) freely to all of her friends who are also going through hard times. I am truly blessed to have her as my friend.
Samantha V. is so strong. I know she is having such a hard time since losing her 2 year old little boy in a tragic accident. She has not been afraid to show her feelings. She is an amazing mother and I inspire to be like her. She is loving, caring, self-less, strong, sweet, beautiful. I just wish I could take the pain away from her.
Heather Lorraine- she has been through so much crap but she has pulled through and seems to strong and is working on bettering her life for her and her daughter. So much stronger than I. She was the one who told me I should go to bartending school. I went and thoroughly enjoyed myself. She now has a new job and is working hard to get on her feet. She is an inspiration, like Toni-Kaye, for bettering myself and working on getting on my feet.
Kymberly Kay is going through a lot of what I have been going through. She is an amazing mom and friend. She can be having a hard time, yet she is ALWAYS there to listen when I need to talk. She has a big open heart that lends itself to others for love and comfort!
Sarah Joy is an amazing mom. She is an amazing full-time mom and her son is so wonderful and well behaved. She is obviously doing something right. I love how she stands firm to her beliefs. She is pro-life and she knows what it is like to give a child up for adoption, so she knows how hard it can be to carry a child to term and have to give them up. She is strong and it was a very brave and hard decision to make.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
I can't WAIT to become a dental assistant. I start school on Friday and tomorrow is my school's orientation! I think being a dental assistant will be fun and I have also always had a thing for teeth. I like people with good teeth and would like to help with that. I also like that the school I will be attending actually teaches more than the typical dental assistant topics and go into orthodontics as well.
I am so excited about starting a new career!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
1. My kids! They are everything to me. They make me smile. They make me laugh. They are beautiful, wonderful, silly, caring, obnoxious, frustrating, smooooshy, cuddly (even though they don't like to be cuddled I do it anyway) and SWEET. I JUST LOVE THEMMMMMMM!!! (Getting a little excited over here. I haven't seen them all week and I get to have them over night tonight!!)
2. Family. I love my family. You all drive me batty, but I still love you!
3. Friends. My friends rock my socks! I love them all so much and how encouraging they are. I love that they are always there to listen to me bitch and complain even when they have their own troubles. I hope I am giving them adequate support and that I listen well. I LOVE YOU GUYS!
4. Music. I love listening to music and getting lost in the words. I love the way it engulfs my mind and takes me elsewhere. Lyrics that help me deal with my emotions and explain how I feel when I can't put my own feeling into words.
5. Photographs. I have been looking through so many old photos and it is really quite bittersweet. I just want to hold my tiny tot's again, but they are growing so fast it kinda breaks my heart. It breaks my heart but I am also happy that they are healthy and growing. Photographs make me happy because I will always have these amazing memories!
Friday, April 12, 2013
List 10 Things You Would Tell Your 16 Year-Old Self, If You Could.
1. Slow down and enjoy being a teenager without all the responsibilities of adulthood!
2. PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL! You have so much potential. Just don't slack off and don't listen to anyone who tells you that you can't do it. Don't listen to the people who say you are dumb.
3. Boy's are dumb. Focus on friends right now in life!
4. You are beautiful. Don't listen to people who say otherwise.
5. Be yourself! Stop trying to make people like you. If you have to change who you are for someone to like you they aren't worth your time or energy. Only people who like you for the real you are the people who matter. Life is so much easier when you are not constantly changing for whoever you are around.
6. Don't rush into things. Don't rush into "relationships" as your heart will get broken.
7. Don't give your parents such a hard time. They just want what is best for you. No, they aren't perfect but they love you and do the best they can.
8. Don't fret things you can not avoid or change. Roll with the punches and get back up on your feet.
9. Have fun!
10. Be real. Be honest. Be faithful. Be loving. Be caring. Be guarded. Trust God, not yourself!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
This is a tough post to write. I would say all in all Jonathan and I are just not compatible.
I think we rushed into marriage and didn't truly get to know each other very well and the 3rd year into the marriage the incompatibility started rearing its ugly head.
He wanted something I was unable to provide. I wanted something he was unable to provide and for 5 years we fought to try and save the marriage, but after 5 years it became too much.
We decided that it would be better for us to separate/get divorced so that our children could see us as happy individuals than as an unhappy couple.
For 4 months after we separated we did not get along AT ALL. I couldn't stand to look at him or hear his voice. When I saw him all this anger would well up inside of me and I wouldn't know what to do.
He had done something that I found to be the most hurtful thing and I was bitter and angry. I cried and cried. I got sick to my stomach when I saw him.
It was until very recently I decided to forgive him. Not for his sake, but for mine. It was for my own sanity. My own health. My own peace.
We get along alright now. He still drives me batty. I still piss him off, but that is why we are no longer together.
We have our days where we get along and can have a decent conversation, but there are others where we just need to walk away. To be alone!
There will always be a part of me that will care about his well being as he IS the father of my children. He needs so be around for them so I hope he remains healthy and happy for them. I just don't have any sort of romantic feelings for him in any way shape or form.
I took Judah to a birthday party a while back and I saw how well his friends mom and dad got along. I talked to her on the side and told her about our impending divorce. I told her I would like to get along with Jonathan as well as she and her daughters father got along.
She explained that it wasn't always that way and that in the beginning of their separation they were constantly fighting and hated each other. She told me it took time and effort on both sides for them to become friends again.
She is now remarried and her husband is comfortable with them being friends.
I hope someday that Jonathan and I can be actual friends again and hope I can find someone who understands that he will always be my friend since he is the father of my beautiful children.
I always knew he would be a great father and he is.
We may not have worked out but he loves and cares for our kids and that is all that matters at this point.
Please forgive me if this all is a little jumbled. My head is jumbled. :/
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I want to start this post by saying, I have a ton of fears. I would say most are ridiculous and silly.
I have a hard time trying to decipher which are legitimate and which aren't.
I would say my biggest fear is the thought that my children grow and choose to not believe in God. The fear of any of my children not being in Heaven with me and going to hell scares the crap out of me. I Pray they accept and love Him.
Another fear I have is losing one or more of my children to death. After my friend Samantha and her husband lost their precious 2 year old Bram, I have been petrified of parking lots!. It's scary because they did EVERYTHING right and Bram was listening to his parents when a careless, distracted drive hit Bram. Seeing Sam and TJ go through what they have I have gained this fear!
My last fear is that I will never find someone to love me. That I will not be able to find a man who is willing to work through my issues. Someone who can have patience with me as I learn what it's like to be in a relationship and learn to trust again. I am not sure why or how this fear arose, but it was just recently. It's very hard to think about. I know this one may seem ridiculous but to me It's legitimate because, who wants to be alone?
So those are three of my legitimate fears.
1. I am a Christian and love God with all that is in me. Therefore, I am loving and accepting of all people despite their gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, beliefs, etc. God loves everyone. And we ALL have fallen short. We all sin. We all make mistakes. He forgives us and love us no matter what. We need love others as much as He loves us.
2. I tend to be a bit of a germ freak. I have a little bit of OCD in that regard, but it isn't as bad as it used to be. I love how you tease me about it, Judah: "Mommy, you're afraid of geeeerrrrrms!!! hahaha".
3. I am quite ADD with my music. I rarely listen to a song all the way through. I am constantly switching songs half to three quarters of the way through. This must be where you guys get it from. You guys can't watch a T.V. show all the way through :)
5. I am obsessed with documentaries and real life crime dramas. I like a lot of the suspense in these shows! I enjoy trying to figure out "who done it" before they say who did it!
6. I am a walking contradiction! Distracted yet focused, social yet shy, germ freak yet messy, and so many more.
7. I love dancing around like a complete fool and sing loudly but there is a catch... I only do it around you, my kids and other family/friends I trust!
8. I love taking pictures and videos so that I will always have something to look back on. Aside from losing a loved one, my pictures and videos are what I am most scared to lose.
9. I have always loved unique names. I knew I never wanted any of my kids to be in school and have 3 other people with the same name in your class.
10. I am addicted to diet soda. I know it's not the best thing in the world but its not the worst either.
11. I love the smell of play-doh and crayons. I love to color or play with play-doh just so I can smell them.
12. I love animals. I love petting them and cuddling with them, I am just too much of a germ freak to clean litter boxes or clean up after them.
13. I am completely awful at math.
14. I am a terrible cook. I always burn food, cook pasta too long or just make everything taste nasty. lol
15. I am a pack-rat. If something has the slightest bit of sentimental value I can't throw it away. All drawings or letters I receive from you kids is either saved or I have taken pictures of them before tossing them.
16. I have a very hard time talking on the phone. I have never liked talking on the phone. I prefer email, texting and talking face to face.
17. Whenever I get any money I get excited about things I can buy for myself but when I get to a store I find all these things I would rather get for you kids. I much prefer getting you guys stuff. :)
18. I had always had a fear of growing apart from you guys as you grow up. I was so very wrong! I get closer to you guys as you get older and I can see your individual personalities! I am excited to have teenagers. I will always be your mom first, but I want to be your friend as well.
19. I hope I have made it easy for you guys to talk to me. I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you. I want you to be able to trust me and to not be afraid of how I will react. I know what it feels like to not be able to tell a parent something because I didn't know how he would react. Please know I will love you no matter what!
20. I am very forgiving. I have forgiven things that some people may disagree with. I have had people tell me I should not forgive in certain circumstances. I want you guys to know that you need to forgive others as well, not for the other person but for yourself. I learned that holding on to anger and hurt is not beneficial to me. Holding on hurts you more and give the other person control. Forgive my dear children!
This post took a LOT longer than i thought it would so I should be making two posts today. That is if #2 doesn't take as long!
Monday, April 8, 2013
I had to edit several of the questions on here since I am no longer with their father I put down "their father" instead of "your spouse".
3. Describe your relationship with their father.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. If you could have 3 wishes, what would you wish for?
7. What is your dream job and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who inspired you and how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. What's the hardest part of growing up?
14. Describe 5 weaknesses and strengths you have.
15. Describe how you fell in love with their father.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is one thing you wish you were great at?
18. What do you think their father thinks most about you?
19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. Describe your relationship with your parents.
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. What is your favorite holiday and why?
24. What is your favorite and least favorite part of parenthood?
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What's your favorite quality in their father?
29. What are your hopes and dreams for your prosperity?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
She walked in the room and was completely out of it.
She had to try to tell me her dream though.
The conversation was as follows:
Ora: "Mommy, I had a dream."
Me: "Yeah? What was it about?"
Ora: "It was that Frankencelery brought *inaudible mumbling*"...
I grabbed my phone to try to record it but I didn't get much of anything from her. :/
She fell back asleep!
When Judah woke up at a decent hour he informed me of his dream as well.
Judah: "Mom, I had a weird dream. I was eating big sparkly chapter books"
Me: "Did they taste good?"
Me: "What did they taste like?"
Judah: "I don't know"
Me: "But you said they tasted good."
Judah: "Yes, they did but I don't know what they tasted like... I also dreamed I had an accident on grandma's couch"
Me: "Did Grandma beat you up?"
Judah: "No... She didn't know about it!" *laughs*
And Ari... He says "da! Ari! Ah da buvah"
Sorry I can not translate his dream for you, but it must have been a good one because I saw him smiling in his sleep.
My kids are the best!
Also, their father is corrupting them.
He has watched so many Harlem Shake videos that he inadvertently trained my children to act like fools.
A video for your enjoyment!
Friday, April 5, 2013
In November 2012, shortly after our seven year anniversary Jonathan and I decided to separate. I said it had been a long time coming, but when we told people we were going to get divorced we got comments like "Well, that was a long time coming", "You made it 2 years longer than I thought you would" and more like that.
There were SO many things that just slowly added up to the decisions over time.
In the first year, while I was pregnant with Judah, I had the worst continuous anxiety attack I had ever had in my life. I would BEG Jonathan to stay home. That I didn't want to be alone. That I NEEDED him to be there with and for me. He went to work anyway. I was so sick I couldn't eat or drink for about two weeks. I forced some water down, but not nearly enough. To this day I know Judah's two month premature birth was my fault because I couldn't eat or drink.
It was at that time I basically came to the conclusion that I would never be able to count on him to be there for me for any reason. I know it sounds awful of me, but honestly, I NEEDED him. More than I could have even put into words. I felt abandoned and alone.
During the second year of marriage I made some dumb suggestions on what we should do in the marriage. It was at that point that, according to Jonathan, he was hurt the most. I really can't expand on this part because I don't know what exactly he felt or thought.
Third year of marriage was when everything really started spiraling downward. We began fighting over petty things. He always talked to me and treated me like a child. He spoke to me the same way that he spoke to the children. I was no longer attracted to him. It wasn't until after we split that I figured it out, but I will get back to that in a minute.
It was during the third year of marriage that I first asked for a divorce. He would have nothing to do with it. We continued bickering for several more years and seeking marriage counseling.
About two weeks after our seventh anniversary we officially split up.
I did something I have been regretting everyday since. I attempted to overdose. It's a miracle I am here what I took. When people hear what I took they always stare at me baffled at how I am still alive, let alone with no permanent damage to any part of my body.
I know it sounds ridiculous to most people, but it was truly a wake-up call, like "wow, God has me here for a reason." Yes, I know and have heard it a millions times "Of course you have a reason for being here. You have three children who need their mom" "You have so many people who love you and it would break their hearts to lose you." and more like that. I want to clarify, when I got into this state of depression and anxiety, I convinced myself that they all would be better of without me.
Anyway, I got out of the hospital in January and moved in with my parents. I have been searching for a job. After having no luck in two months, I ended up going to bartending school. Finished it and continued looking for a job.
I have decided to go back to school again. I start on the 19th. I will be attending school to become a dental assistant. I am beyond excited! I am ready to make something of myself.
My life is going to be so different, but I am looking forward to it. I was terrified the first two months. I have never had to support myself. I have never had to pay bills. Nothing. But I am so happy that I am feeling confident and excited!