Little Man Judah David

Sunday the 26th my gorgeous first born son turned 7 YEARS OLD!!!!!
Judah,
You are so incredibly special and precious to me. You are growing up to be such a loving little man! It's bittersweet and like the book I just bought for you and your sister and brother, I would keep you little but if I did I would miss out on so many things that you will experience and do as you grow older. I love your gorgeous blue/green/grey/silver color changing eyes. I see such love and compassion in them. You have such a compassionate and loving heart. I love you so deeply words can't even explain.
Love Mommy.
My Judah was 2 months premature. He weighed a whole 4 lbs 9 oz. He was so tiny, he was practically swimming in his preemie outfits.
To look at him now, you would never imagine that he was a preemie. He is quite tall and so very smart for his age.

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Doubts, Anger, Beliefs

I really don't even know how to begin this post.
I was talking to my mom on the way home today. I told her that I don't even know if God exists and if He does why does it seem like He is unloving.

I have anxiety and depression issues which, for the most part are stabilized.

Rewind. I just want to get this all out there. I don't have any idea why I try to hide it all the time.

So I saw a trauma specialist back in Dec/Jan and he helped me figure some stuff out/helped me with connecting dots from my past that I never considered to be a factor in my "issues".
When I was little I had a babysitter with a son.
Well the babysitter was obviously a very neglectful person seeing as all the stuff that happened she was "unaware of".
-First, she was not watching me and I fell down the stairs in my walker.
-Her son used to do that thing where you throw a kid over your shoulder and hold them (I call my kids "sack of taters" when I do it.) Well, this ass would do it and let me fall on the floor.
-He used to tie ropes around my neck and drag me around the house like a dog.
-My sister told my kids dad that she remembered him trying to drown me.
-She wasn't watching me again and I crawled under the teeter-totter with kids on it. It came down and smashed my eyebrow open.

It was at the hospital when I was getting my stitches in my eyebrow that the doctors saw the rope burns around my neck and thought my parents were abusing me.

This is only the stuff any of us can remember but the trauma specialist helped me. I told him all these things and certain behaviors I had even at an early age.
Obviously that abuse/neglect are huge factors, but other behaviors I exhibited led him to the conclusion that I was also sexually abused.

So I have all this stuff going on.
I have had these issues for almost 20 years.
20 years of praying.
I have given up on prayer.

See, God is supposed to be our "Loving Father" and He is supposed to be able to do anything.
I have prayed for all these YEARS to have it all taken from me.

I still have it. Where is He? If He exists, why does he let me deal with this?
I know that if I had the ability, I would not let my children suffer for even a minute. I would instantaneously remove any pain or fear from them. If God "loves me so much" WHY do I deal with all this stuff.


Also, aside from that, WHY, if he is an all loving God, does he condemn people to hell AT ALL.
If it were MY choice, even my worst enemies would be in heaven after death because people don't deserve hell.
If he loves everyone so much, why does he care about so many different things.

One- homosexuality. WHO CARES? If you love someone, you love someone. You can't help who you fall in love with... period.
Homosexuality, HOW is that a "sin that condemns you to hell"? Who is it hurting? The answer: ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!
Homosexuality is not like MURDER, ABUSE, RAPE and NO, people who like the same sex aren't PEDOPHILES!!!!

Me, I don't care who my kids love as long as they are happy!!!

Sex outside of marriage. WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE A SHEET OF PAPER "UNITING" TWO. IF YOU ARE IN LOVE AND WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH SOMEONE IT'S OK DAMN IT.
I understand that you DO need to love the person. You need to know that that person is NOT going to just abandon you. Use you, abuse you and abandon you. I don't believe in sex without emotional connection. I tried the one night stand thing. It fucking sucked, though I do have to say, those are better than when a man will lie straight to your face, just to fornicate and rip your heart apart and kill your soul.
Fuck anyone who isn't there to restore and build you up.

Someday my prince will come.

Ok shower time then bed time...........

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Refocusing

I have decided to do all that I can to focus on all the positive things in my life. Sure I have a lot of problems, but who doesn't?
Everyone deals with problems, everyone struggles.
Everyone has some aspect of their life that is completely screwed up, but there are so many people who deal with it so well.
I want to be one of those people!
I am going to focus on my children, building my relationship with them more and more.
I am going to focus on my schooling. I want to become a lamplighter at my school. It requires good grades, being prompt and not missing school. It looks excellent on your resume as well.
I am going to work to save, save, save money so I can purchase my own car.
I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful for my children, school, (possible job) and so on.
I have integrity.
I am honest.
I am pretty and I am losing weight.
I am smart.
I am a wonderful and loyal friend.
I am a hard worker.
And so much more!
When the time comes and the right man shows up, I will be a loving, faithful, and honest girlfriend.
I just need to find a man who will fight tooth and nail to be with me when I go through my issues.
I don't want to hear words.
I want to see actions.
Actions speak louder than words!

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #12

#12. Describe A Typical Day In Your Current Life

A typical day in my current life is hard to put on paper because so much is up in the air.
Waking up at about 6 am, getting ready, going to school from 8-12 then homework or hanging out with friends until evening and spending time with my kids whenever I can on the weekdays.
On the weekends I get to have my beautiful children to hang out with.

I do the basics as well..... eat, sleep, brush teeth, brush hair, drink, etc etc.

I am so incredibly tired right now.
I have a lot of hardships I am going through right now.

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #11

#11- List 10 Pet Peeves You Have.

1. Not having any privacy. Parent's knocking on the door every time I shut it to be alone for a while.
2. People who are rude and do not have common manners. ALWAYS say "Please" "Thank You" and "You're Welcome".
3. Men who don't hold doors open for women or elderly people.
4. Boogers in kids noses. Parent's get those boogers OUT! I never let my kids walk around with boogers in their nose.
5. People who try to control EVERYTHING!!!
6. Losing things. I HATE when I can't remember where I put something. I get mean!
7. When my face feels greasy or feels dry. Weird.
8. Getting pebbles, sand or other particles in my shoes.
9. When my brain doesn't cooperate and give me the words to say until long after a conversation is over.
10. When people claim to love, care and trust me but their actions scream the opposite. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

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Mother/Daughter Tea and Mother's Day

On Saturday, May 11, 2013 I went to a mother/daughter tea in Thornton. 

It was good, it would have been better had I not had a huge argument with the kids dad. 

So my mom, myself and my daughter went up to the Golden Corral for the tea party and met up  with my sister and two of my nieces. 

The "theme" was being women of hope. 

To be completely honest, my head was else where. I had so much going on in my mind I don't remember half of the stuff that went on. I had one cup of tea, but by the time I got to it, it was already cold :/

These three little people are what gave me a reason to celebrate Mother's Day. I love them more than I could ever say! My Judah David, Ora Koryn and Ariah Patrick Lee, I love you so very much!

For mother's day I got some super sweet gifts from my Judah and Ora. They made them at school.

 My J-bug gave this to me and apologized that he wrote nice twice. I gave him a BIG hug and told him it was ok and that I LOVE the gift. 

 This is the front of the card Ora made for me. SO sweet. 

 This is what the inside of the card said. I also LOVE the way she writes her name. She's getting so good at it!

My GORGEOUS little girl!

All in all I had a really good time with my babies. I love them SO much. They are the best kids in the whole world. 

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Cast of Characters

The purpose of this blog entry is to help put faces to names of those I will be talking about in my blog. 

Please be patient with me as this will be evolving as I go along. 

 This is me, the author of this blog. I am Carolina (a.k.a. Cari). 

 My son Judah David. Born May 26, 2006. He was two months premature weighing 4 lbs 9 oz.

He had a heart arrhythmia and a brain bleed, but he is healthy as a horse with no complications.

You would never know that he was preemie just by looking at him. He's a tall healthy boy! 

 My beautiful daughter Ora Koryn. Born August 22, 2008.  She was 6 days early (on time of course lol). 

She was 7lbs 1oz and healthy. She didn't want to cry for the first couple of days. 

She is very different now! Now you can't get her to be quiet! She is 4 going on 16!

 This is my little man Ariah Patrick Lee. Born May 10, 2011.

He was a month early weighing in at a whopping 10 lbs 13 oz! 

He had to be in the hospital for 3 weeks and 2 days. He had to be intubated and stuff. 

He is super healthy now. The only thing he "has" now is a birth defect and it's just one pupil is bigger. 

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Happy Happy Happy Birthday Ariah Patrick Lee

Two years ago, today.. I gave birth to my third born, Mr. Ariah Patrick Lee.
He was my huge child, at a month early he weighed a whopping 10lbs 13oz.
If you are curious and would like to read the birth story of my beautiful boy follow the link to my old blog:
http://judahsmommy.blogspot.com/2011/05/on-tuesday-10-of-may-i-woke-up-at.html

I cannot believe he is an entire TWO years old.
They grow WAY too fast!!!

Heavily pregnant

In Labor

 He arrives

 SUMO

 My newborn in a size one diaper that didn't fit ;)

Now look at my boy! He is getting SO big!

Happy 2nd birthday my little booger!
I love you more than you could EVER IMAGINE.
I am excited to watch you grow and learn!

Know you can ALWAYS come to mommy if you need anything.
I will always be here for you my little man!!!

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Happy Joyfulness

So many things are looking up in life.
My kids are amazing.
School is going great.
I have met some amazing new friends.
I am just giddy giddy!

I can't wait to expand on everything, but I know several people who read my blog that would be preachy.

More to come SOON!!

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