Been forever!

So I haven't posted in a very long time.
Got some stuff to update on.

First, I am expecting baby #4 on May 22, 2015.

On an ultrasound on Thursday we took a peek at gender. Baby was not being fully cooperative but we are 95% sure it's a BOY! I am so excited. 3 boys and 1 girl!

My two eldest were not the happiest. Judah, he took it the hardest. He was thinking it was my choice. That I had chosen a boy. Haha

I told them that God chooses if you have a boy or girl and Ora told me "No, my teacher says your tummy chooses". I said "well maybe your teacher doesn't believe in God, or she does and can't say that God chooses."

The next day they came around and were ok.

Ari just has no idea what's going on. I have the sneaking suspicion that he will not be happy because he will no longer be the baby lol.

Judah had a school play and had his own lines. He did so good, considering he is my shy child.

Ora is doing really well with reading. She's definitely my pro!

Ari is just getting big and is being a rotten little boy lol. He's so smart and adorable though.

I'm still working at walgreens....

This baby's dad is in jail for domestic violence. He will not be part of this Baby's life.

I'm feeling lonely and wanting to be in love but I don't see that happening any time soon, or at all.

Such is life.

Well I guess that's all for now.

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One On One with Ariah

On Sunday I got to have some one on one time with my littlest. He is growing so fast. We had fun just the two of us. We'd swing on the porch swing and I would just listen to his cute voice talking to me in choppy sentences.

We decided to go on a walk (or rather I did and I knew he wouldn't object.) I told my mom as we were leaving that we were going around the block. We had some good conversations he and I.

We got halfway down the first side of the block and we had this little conversation:

Ari- "Mom, uh, we walk two blocks?"
Me- "You want to go around two blocks?"
Ari- *pauses to think* "No." Then counts on his cute chubby fingers. "Uh, go on one, two, three, four blocks!" As he said four he put up all 5 fingers. Awww

Then we crossed the street to the second block and we started talking about colors.

I showed him some rocks, one red and one yellowish in color and told him the colors.

We then had this conversation.

Me- "Hey Ari, what color is the grass? Is it green?"
Ari- "No, mom, rellow!"
I couldn't argue with that one as it was yellow from the winter.
Me- "Well, yes it is kind of yellow, but in spring it will turn green."

We were talking about car colors when I mentioned that a car we were passing looked like his dad's car. He kept wanting to run back to it. I kept telling him it wasn't his dad's car. Lol

Me- "Ari, what color is the sky?"
Ari- "No, mom, too big!"
I am not entirely sure what he meant by that haha.

As we were ending the second block, my boy was getting tired.
He told me "two blocks, mom."
I chuckled at his cuteness!

He then plopped on the ground and said "sit, mom, sit down" and pointed to the sidewalk next to him. He wanted me to sit with him but I pointed to grandma and grandpa's home. I said "but grandma and grandpa's house is right there. He hopped up and ran the rest of the way back. He was so cute. My booger man!

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My Children, My Sweet, Poor Children

Yesterday evening I took my children into their counseling sessions to see how they are dealing with the divorce. We opted to have them seen to see how they are dealing with the current situation because we feel they are just going to tell me what I want to hear and their dad wants to hear.

We will have a feedback session on the 27th to see how it all went.

Well, when we were walking back to the car I was holding Ora's hand and Judah was holding Ora's other hand. Judah was lifting Ora up by the arm to where she was walking tiptoe on one foot. Ora's was just giggling like crazy. She thought it was hilarious.

Instantly a thought popped into my head. I was thinking about how their dad and I used to walk with Judah or Ora between us and swing them every other step. Their beautiful giggles and begging "AGAIN! AGAIN!" were so sweet and my babies were so happy.

I began to think how they won't get to do that with mom and dad ever again. My poor sweet Ariah never got the chance and never will. It hit me so hard. I just cried and cried.

I told their dad how I felt. He asked me "so are you upset for the kids or are you upset that we aren't a couple anymore"

To be honest the question hit me off guard and the more I think about it the more I get kind of squeeze. Of course I am not upset about not being with him anymore. I don't want him back in any way shape or form. I simply got upset about things the kids will miss out on as without mom and dad being together.

My children are the lights of my life and all I've ever wanted was the best for them. It's all I still want for them.

I know that my ex and I being divorced is the best for them. We didn't get along. We fought constantly. My Kids deserve better than that. They will have better than that.

I love my babies so much. I just cuddled them and told them all how much I love them.

In the end it will all be ok. My babies will be ok. My Kids will be happy.

Judah, Ora and Ariah, mommy loves you more than anything in the world! I am going to do all that I have in my power to give you a happy childhood. *Hogs and Quiches!*

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Confused

So very very confused.
I'm a dumb girl.

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When Kindergartners Are Smarter Than You/College

So, today I went to my kids school to visit their class rooms. Judah is getting to the age where he gets embarrassed when mom shows him any sort of affection in front of his friends lol.

I didn't stay in Judah's room very long as for one he was preoccupied with his friends and then his class had to go to gym.

I went to Ora's room and had fun with her. She's still young enough that I can be a complete goofball and she is still proud that I'm her mommy.

Well, she was opening her Valentine's cards and could get one out. So I told her to let me help and as I'm tugging at it, a boy in her class came over and said "umm, it's supposed to stay in there." Lol I felt like a big dummy haha.

What's so funny about this is that I officially graduated from college today!
Yes, that's right, I am now a certified Dental Assistant!

Now, just to find a job!

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #13

#13. What is the hardest part of growing up?

Hell if I know.
I didn't find childhood easy.
I don't find adult life easy either.
I really don't think I have the "knowledge" to answer this.
Essentially my childhood was stolen from me.

You my beautiful babies, you will have amazing lives and you will have to tell me.
Just stay young my loves!
Don't be in a rush to grow up.

I LOVE YOU THREE!

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Love At First Sight

Do I believe in love at first sight?

That is a very interesting question. It's going to be difficult to answer.

I want to say yes and no.

What I believe is that love is a choice. Those wonderful butterflies you get in your tummy and the heart racing with excitement to see someone will fade, and when those are gone its a choice to be made.

So love at first sight?

No: if you are basing it off of feelings, looks or whatever else it might be it will never last. You can't base love off of these things.

Yes: you can choose from day one to love somebody. You also have to keep in mind that there is a lot of work in a relationship. It won't always be good. There will be hard times and things will be said and done that will need to be forgiven by either party.

Love who you want to love, just make sure you are aware that it is a CHOICE not a FEELING.

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On my heart.

Ever since Jonathan and I split up I have struggled with trying to have any sort of relationship.

I give my all to try and make it work but something must be totally fucked up with me.

It seems like everything is going great then the chatting/texting is reduced greatly.

Then I make time to see them and they seem to always have a reason to not see me.

I just want honesty. If you don't like me, that's ok. I can handle it. Just be truthful.

I just don't know.

I guess I'm just not likable or lovable.

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