Friday, August 23, 2013

A Song I Take to Heart

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On lunch

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I have gotten almost nothing done in my department tonight. Why?
Every time I turn around I have customers asking me for stuff. Its been a rough night.

I am just now on lunch at 8:40 and I get off at 10. And I still have to do my last 15min break. Well at least I will have a quiet night hiding away from customers.

I can feel myself slowly reverting back into antisocial mode.

I hate it but my thoughts of people not liking me are coming back. I want to have a little get together at my apartment but have convinced myself no one would come.

I've also convinced myself that no one will ever fall in love with me again. I'm convinced no one has ever been in love with me. I swear I have some big character flaw that I just can't see.

I mentioned in an earlier post about a mother and daughter who came in and spoke with me. The mother (we shall refer to her as "C") was wise and really opened my eyes to something I never thought of before.

She told me that if a man doesn't give you what you have been giving yourself and is taking away from you rather than giving that its not worth it.

I started thinking about it all and realized that I haven't had the type of relationship where I was given to rather than taken away. 

Now this is not a "throw my ex under the bus" post just experiences that I had and how what "C" really resonates with it all.

So before I got married I was very athletic.  I never wanted to stay home. I was an outdoorsy type of girl. I loved camping, hiking, fishing and going on walks. I also loved to just go out to things even if it was to just go to a local animal shelter and visit the animals.

When I was married, I would beg him to come with me. I begged him to go camping and stuff but he always refused. He insisted he stay home and I take the kids.

This is where the words of wisdom from "C" hit home.

I feel as though those things in my life were taken. I haven't been camping in like 10 years. I've been fishing once, only because my dad took us. I had these things taken from my life rather than having things added to my life.

I became incredibly lazy. Gained a shit ton of weight. Became depressed, lethargic and antisocial.  So my life was turned upside down.

Maybe no one will fall in love with me again because I have high expectations?  I don't feel like they are too high though. I just want someone to add to my life. I don't expect them to make me their entire world or buy me everything or whatever. I want quality time. I want cuddles. I want love. I don't think I will find it :(

I don't want a man to just rely on. I am working supporting myself. I can take care of myself. I want the companionship. I want to go out and hang out. Its hard to put into words and I'm tired.

I'm tired of men taking advantage. 

I have major trust issues.

I just... I know what I want. I don't need a man to fulfill my life. I just want a partner. I don't know if it will happen....

Too much in my mind right now.

I gotta get back to work. I may continue this tomorrow. 

Goodnight for now.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

In my daughters eyes

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Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl!


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Ora Koryn

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Tomorrow my beautiful little lady will be <b>5 YEARS OLD!</b>
How is this even possible?

Ora Koryn,

My beautiful, sweet, loving, dramatic little 5 going on 16 year old girl, I love you to death. You are so smart. So nurturing. I love how you love to cuddle, even though you plop down on me an make it hurt. I guess love hurts sometimes ;). So have such beautiful blue eyes and you are going to be quite the heartbreak to all the boys when you grow up. Daddy is going to need himself a rifle to chase all those boys away.

You are so wonderful and I love how your little face lights up whenever you receive a gift.
I don't have a lot of money, so I can only get you little things, but you appreciate them. You get so happy and give big hugs and loves. Your love language is totally gifts. You love receiving gift even if they are just little.

You are my silly girl and I look forward to all the laughs we will have as you grow!

I love you little lady!
Love Mommy

Happy Birthday gorgeous!!!

Monday, August 19, 2013


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So much has been happening. Good stuff!

School is going wonderfully!  I still love it (became a "lamplighter") 4.0 GPA.

I am living on my own now in a little studio apartment and its nice to have a place called "home" instead of crashing on peoples couches.

I am continuing to lose weight. 

I'm getting to know so many wonderful people through school and work.

Again, the only downfall is bring away from my kiddos! Yet, I do see them every time I get the chance. I love hugging them and kissing their little faces.

Judah could do without all of that though since he's "all grown up and stuff" now at 7 years old. No more cuddles for mommy, unless he's sick, then he wants the cuddles.

Miss Koryn-ee face is still a cuddle bug but her way of trying to get cuddles is to walk over and flop on top of you and continue flopping around lol. Goofy girl but she is a sweetheart.

Ari. He doesn't cuddle but he will give hugs and kisses. When I'm coughing he comes up "uh you k mom?" Such a sweet boy but also rotten. He is so mischievous.  Tell him no and he grins with a look of "I'm so cute, you can't be mad at me".

I had a big blessing at work. 
A mother and daughter came up to me and spoke words of wisdom, truth and encouragement.  I had a good cry with them. They were so sweet and the daughter said "I just want to take her home with me". 

I just can't put into words how grateful I am that there are good people in the world still. Strangers who love and care about others just because that's in their heart.

Despite having all these new people in my life who I love and care about there is something else...
I'm not going to lie about it, but I miss companionship. 
I miss sleeping in someones arms. 
I miss romance. 
I miss dates. 
I miss holding hands. 
I miss kisses. 
It feels a little like something is missing in my life, but I continue to hold onto hope that "he's" out there. Hopefully not too far away, but out there nonetheless.  It just seems anyone I'm interested in, isn't interested in me. 
I try and drop hints/clues but nothing comes of it.

I always think, "someday" and start singing "someday my prince will come". Silly huh? 

I've also just given up on trying to be what I think someone wants.
I am me. 
I am goofy. 
I and a dork to the max. 
I crack cheesy jokes and laugh at myself. 
I'm sarcastic.  
I am loving. 
I am faithful.  
I am caring. 
My heart aches to share my life with someone who can accept me for who I am. 
For my ups and downs. 
For my lack of tact. 
My baggage and Lord knows I have a bunch. 
I am not the person I was in high school. 
Hell, I'm not even the person I was 4 months ago!  
I have grown. 
I have become wiser. 
I have learned to be happy and to not let others determine my mood so much. 
Only I can make myself feel a certain way and I choose happy! 
I choose joy. 
I choose to live a positive life!

Been a While

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Oh my life has been so crazy, busy and fun.

So school is going well and I am loving it. I am learning a ton and have made some good friends.

I also got a full-time job!
Nothing spectacular but hey its a job.
I like the people I work with, we laugh and joke around and even though its stressful at times, the moments we can chat are worth it.

My children are beautiful and wonderful and so fun! I love spending time with my gorgeous babies!

Judah will be starting 2nd grade this month and Ora will be starting kindergarten!  Ari will just be a typical 2 year old.

It's so hard being away from them so much between school and work after being a full-time stay at home mom, but it won't last forever and it will make my life with them easier in the long run!