The Question Is....

The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.


Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety


My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....

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Life and it's strange ways....

I have been thinking a lot lately about life.
About me.
About others.
About everything.

Me....
Ahhhhh. Damn it. I changed my mind on posting this. I think it will be a personal journal entry. :/

I am so going to turn this post around 100%.
No need to focus on negative stuff.

So lately I have been couponing.
I have been saving so much money.

Ok.. My mind is MUCH too scatterbrained tonight. I don't think this posting thing is going to be a very good idea.

.....




Sleepy girl :), a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.


I caught him reading a paper insert. My word he's toooo cute for his own good!, a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.

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A post

So, now that I finally have a chance to sit at a computer and type out a post, I shall.

I have been so busy lately, between three kids, school and full-time work, I don't get a lot of time to sit and write.

Judah started second grade.
He loves his teacher and is having so much fun. He still hates homework, but I tell him it's a part of life. We all have things we have to do that we don't necessarily want to do. We have to do them anyway. He is a smart kid. I know I say that all the time, but he really is. It amazes me to hear him talk about things and hold conversations with him. I think he teaches me just as much, if not more, that I teach him.

Ora started kindergarten.
She too is super smart and I love her dearly. This kindergartner uses words like "particularly". I mean really? Child. You are only 5! Stop trying to be so big. :) She too loves school and was SO happy when she saw it was me picking her up from school. That grin is precious and I love her to death. My little cuddle bug.

Ari started.... talking.... a LOT!
Ari is such a typical boy. He is a daredevil. He is also naughty. My rotten boy. But he is cute and I can see him changing so much. He is also still a BIG boy. The other day I went to pick up my nephew, who is 5 months younger (who for a while there was about to pass Ari up) and I braced myself to pick up a child Ari's size. Not so much. I felt like I was about to throw poor Ben with the force I but behind picking him up.
Ari is built like a little linebacker. Big boned and husky. LOVE!


Some conversations I have had with the kids.

Judah: Mom, I did some of my homework. Will you do the rest?
Me: No, son. That is your homework and your responsibility.
Judah: But I did most of it. I just want you to finish it for me. PLEASE?
Me: Judah, you need to do it. You are smarter than me. I don't know how to do that.
Judah: No, you're smarter.
Me: Nope. You are the smartest.
Judah: Mom, I'm only smarter at video games. You are smarter with homework.

HAHA, my dork. Thinking he can actually talk me into doing his homework.



Me: Judah, how was your first day of school?
Judah: Good. I like my teacher. She's very nice.
Me: That's wonderful!!! So.... Do you have a girlfriend?
Judah: *grumbles while smiling*
Me: Who is it?
Judah: .........
Me: Is it H_____? Is it V______?
Judah: *glares at me*
Ora: His girlfriend is V_______!!!!!! He's just too embarrassed to say it.
Me: Is that so? Who's your boyfriend Ora?
Ora: *grumble while smiling*
Judah: What does his name start with?
Ora: "J"
Me: Ohhhhh. Is it J1_____?
Ora: Not particularly. Kind of.
Judah: It's J2____!!!!!!
Me: Awwwww. J2____???? How cute!

I love teasing my kids. They think it's hilarious!

Ari always wants to see himself when being recorded or having pictures taken.
If he can't see himself he says "I WANT ARI!!!" "SEE ARI!!!"
HAHA. My silly boy.

And he catches me off guard with all his new words.
Today I made him a nutella sandwich and he goes "SAMMICH!!!"
And when he says "You k, mommy?"
And tonight when I put him down for bed he says "uh hug! uh kiss!" so I gave him a hug and kiss. Then when I was leaving the room he says "Uv you. Goodbye. Nigh-Nigh"


I just can't believe how big they are getting.
How smart and how gorgeous.
How loving and caring.

I found a baby picture of Judah and I literally like bawled all night thinking about how they all are supposed to be babies still.
But life doesn't work that way. I know 5 years down the road I will find pictures of them now and just bawl thinking. My boy is supposed to be 7. Or my girl is supposed to be 5. My baby is supposed to be 2.

It never ends. My amazing children.
I love them more than anything in this world!!!

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A Song I Take to Heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaXr2vGDQwk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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On lunch

I have gotten almost nothing done in my department tonight. Why?
Every time I turn around I have customers asking me for stuff. Its been a rough night.

I am just now on lunch at 8:40 and I get off at 10. And I still have to do my last 15min break. Well at least I will have a quiet night hiding away from customers.

I can feel myself slowly reverting back into antisocial mode.

I hate it but my thoughts of people not liking me are coming back. I want to have a little get together at my apartment but have convinced myself no one would come.

I've also convinced myself that no one will ever fall in love with me again. I'm convinced no one has ever been in love with me. I swear I have some big character flaw that I just can't see.

I mentioned in an earlier post about a mother and daughter who came in and spoke with me. The mother (we shall refer to her as "C") was wise and really opened my eyes to something I never thought of before.

She told me that if a man doesn't give you what you have been giving yourself and is taking away from you rather than giving that its not worth it.

I started thinking about it all and realized that I haven't had the type of relationship where I was given to rather than taken away. 

Now this is not a "throw my ex under the bus" post just experiences that I had and how what "C" really resonates with it all.

So before I got married I was very athletic.  I never wanted to stay home. I was an outdoorsy type of girl. I loved camping, hiking, fishing and going on walks. I also loved to just go out to things even if it was to just go to a local animal shelter and visit the animals.

When I was married, I would beg him to come with me. I begged him to go camping and stuff but he always refused. He insisted he stay home and I take the kids.

This is where the words of wisdom from "C" hit home.

I feel as though those things in my life were taken. I haven't been camping in like 10 years. I've been fishing once, only because my dad took us. I had these things taken from my life rather than having things added to my life.

I became incredibly lazy. Gained a shit ton of weight. Became depressed, lethargic and antisocial.  So my life was turned upside down.

Maybe no one will fall in love with me again because I have high expectations?  I don't feel like they are too high though. I just want someone to add to my life. I don't expect them to make me their entire world or buy me everything or whatever. I want quality time. I want cuddles. I want love. I don't think I will find it :(

I don't want a man to just rely on. I am working supporting myself. I can take care of myself. I want the companionship. I want to go out and hang out. Its hard to put into words and I'm tired.

I'm tired of men taking advantage. 

I have major trust issues.

I just... I know what I want. I don't need a man to fulfill my life. I just want a partner. I don't know if it will happen....

Too much in my mind right now.

I gotta get back to work. I may continue this tomorrow. 

Goodnight for now.

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In my daughters eyes

Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxPnAOMpbqA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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Ora Koryn

Tomorrow my beautiful little lady will be <b>5 YEARS OLD!</b>
How is this even possible?

Ora Koryn,

My beautiful, sweet, loving, dramatic little 5 going on 16 year old girl, I love you to death. You are so smart. So nurturing. I love how you love to cuddle, even though you plop down on me an make it hurt. I guess love hurts sometimes ;). So have such beautiful blue eyes and you are going to be quite the heartbreak to all the boys when you grow up. Daddy is going to need himself a rifle to chase all those boys away.

You are so wonderful and I love how your little face lights up whenever you receive a gift.
I don't have a lot of money, so I can only get you little things, but you appreciate them. You get so happy and give big hugs and loves. Your love language is totally gifts. You love receiving gift even if they are just little.

You are my silly girl and I look forward to all the laughs we will have as you grow!

I love you little lady!
Love Mommy

Happy Birthday gorgeous!!!

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11:30pm

So much has been happening. Good stuff!

School is going wonderfully!  I still love it (became a "lamplighter") 4.0 GPA.

I am living on my own now in a little studio apartment and its nice to have a place called "home" instead of crashing on peoples couches.

I am continuing to lose weight. 

I'm getting to know so many wonderful people through school and work.

Again, the only downfall is bring away from my kiddos! Yet, I do see them every time I get the chance. I love hugging them and kissing their little faces.

Judah could do without all of that though since he's "all grown up and stuff" now at 7 years old. No more cuddles for mommy, unless he's sick, then he wants the cuddles.

Miss Koryn-ee face is still a cuddle bug but her way of trying to get cuddles is to walk over and flop on top of you and continue flopping around lol. Goofy girl but she is a sweetheart.

Ari. He doesn't cuddle but he will give hugs and kisses. When I'm coughing he comes up "uh you k mom?" Such a sweet boy but also rotten. He is so mischievous.  Tell him no and he grins with a look of "I'm so cute, you can't be mad at me".

I had a big blessing at work. 

A mother and daughter came up to me and spoke words of wisdom, truth and encouragement.  I had a good cry with them. They were so sweet and the daughter said "I just want to take her home with me". 

I just can't put into words how grateful I am that there are good people in the world still. Strangers who love and care about others just because that's in their heart.

Despite having all these new people in my life who I love and care about there is something else...

I'm not going to lie about it, but I miss companionship. 

I miss sleeping in someones arms. 

I miss romance. 

I miss dates. 

I miss holding hands. 

I miss kisses. 

It feels a little like something is missing in my life, but I continue to hold onto hope that "he's" out there. Hopefully not too far away, but out there nonetheless.  It just seems anyone I'm interested in, isn't interested in me. 

I try and drop hints/clues but nothing comes of it.

I always think, "someday" and start singing "someday my prince will come". Silly huh? 

I've also just given up on trying to be what I think someone wants.

I am me. 

I am goofy. 

I and a dork to the max. 

I crack cheesy jokes and laugh at myself. 

I'm sarcastic.  

I am loving. 

I am faithful.  

I am caring. 

My heart aches to share my life with someone who can accept me for who I am. 

For my ups and downs. 

For my lack of tact. 

My baggage and Lord knows I have a bunch. 

I am not the person I was in high school. 

Hell, I'm not even the person I was 4 months ago!  

I have grown. 

I have become wiser. 

I have learned to be happy and to not let others determine my mood so much. 

Only I can make myself feel a certain way and I choose happy! 

I choose joy. 

I choose to live a positive life!

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Been a While

Oh my life has been so crazy, busy and fun.

So school is going well and I am loving it. I am learning a ton and have made some good friends.

I also got a full-time job!
Nothing spectacular but hey its a job.
I like the people I work with, we laugh and joke around and even though its stressful at times, the moments we can chat are worth it.

My children are beautiful and wonderful and so fun! I love spending time with my gorgeous babies!

Judah will be starting 2nd grade this month and Ora will be starting kindergarten!  Ari will just be a typical 2 year old.

It's so hard being away from them so much between school and work after being a full-time stay at home mom, but it won't last forever and it will make my life with them easier in the long run!

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Excerpt from my journal

There is no simple way to explain how I feel. The way I have been used and abused.  My heart, so fragile, is not just broken but destroyed.

For a comparison, when you get into an auto accident, there are fender benders, which are mild, and have easily fixed damages. 

Then there are major accidents in which your car is totaled, extensive damage that cannot be repaired. 

If my heart were a car in one of these situations it would be the latter.

It feels as though I've been stabbed in the chest thousands upon thousands of times and the jaws of not life but of death were plunged deep in my chest cavity and opened. 

Opened so forcefully, yet slowly,warranting the pain of every rib breaking and cracking to be felt.

With every crack, fracture and break, a searing pain that is so zealous in the torture being placed upon me, that I believe there was no way possible that I could be mutilated any further.

Alas, my thoughts were faulty, just as my heart has been so many times.

Deep within they reach... each and every person and ripped a piece of my heart out. 

They proceed to squeeze and ring every bit of blood out of it before slamming it down on the floor and smashing and grinding it under the soles of their shoes.

They then shove it back at me and expect me to continue on with my life, as if I should be able to pick up and fix the damn thing and have an awesome life.

So many people wonder why I am so bitter...

I try so hard to be happy and to be able to trust everyone, forget that!!!

I have these walls built up around my heart, but I am so desperate for the love I have never experienced that I have let them come down way too easily. 

I let people in over and over and over because I never learn my lesson.

I am a lover and want to give someone all the love that I have to give, but I now believe I am too destroyed to be able to do so.

After the worst betrayal I could have ever thought of, how am I supposed to trust anyone with anything, especially my heart?

Blood is thicker than water??

Oh hell no!! That's the biggest load of crap I've ever been fed. Stupidest crap I've ever heard!

If these people could have done this to me who could I ever trust? 

No one the answer is NO ONE.

My heart is not broken...... My heart is destroyed!

I suppose all I can do is look at my wrist at my new tattoos and remember to just "keep moving forward"!

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Haikus

I have written some haikus lately.
Here there are:

Judah David

blonde hair, ice blue eyes
my bitty early surprise
two months too soon, son

Ora Koryn

seven pounds one ounce
darling dormant daughter, love
little head, bow worn

Ariah Patrick Lee

my giant newborn
one month early, ten thirteen
jowls I can't resist

Little Boy

little boy, my joy
sleeping soundly, so peaceful
tiny lids flickering

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Little Man Judah David

Sunday the 26th my gorgeous first born son turned 7 YEARS OLD!!!!!
Judah,
You are so incredibly special and precious to me. You are growing up to be such a loving little man! It's bittersweet and like the book I just bought for you and your sister and brother, I would keep you little but if I did I would miss out on so many things that you will experience and do as you grow older. I love your gorgeous blue/green/grey/silver color changing eyes. I see such love and compassion in them. You have such a compassionate and loving heart. I love you so deeply words can't even explain.
Love Mommy.
My Judah was 2 months premature. He weighed a whole 4 lbs 9 oz. He was so tiny, he was practically swimming in his preemie outfits.
To look at him now, you would never imagine that he was a preemie. He is quite tall and so very smart for his age.

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Doubts, Anger, Beliefs

I really don't even know how to begin this post.
I was talking to my mom on the way home today. I told her that I don't even know if God exists and if He does why does it seem like He is unloving.

I have anxiety and depression issues which, for the most part are stabilized.

Rewind. I just want to get this all out there. I don't have any idea why I try to hide it all the time.

So I saw a trauma specialist back in Dec/Jan and he helped me figure some stuff out/helped me with connecting dots from my past that I never considered to be a factor in my "issues".
When I was little I had a babysitter with a son.
Well the babysitter was obviously a very neglectful person seeing as all the stuff that happened she was "unaware of".
-First, she was not watching me and I fell down the stairs in my walker.
-Her son used to do that thing where you throw a kid over your shoulder and hold them (I call my kids "sack of taters" when I do it.) Well, this ass would do it and let me fall on the floor.
-He used to tie ropes around my neck and drag me around the house like a dog.
-My sister told my kids dad that she remembered him trying to drown me.
-She wasn't watching me again and I crawled under the teeter-totter with kids on it. It came down and smashed my eyebrow open.

It was at the hospital when I was getting my stitches in my eyebrow that the doctors saw the rope burns around my neck and thought my parents were abusing me.

This is only the stuff any of us can remember but the trauma specialist helped me. I told him all these things and certain behaviors I had even at an early age.
Obviously that abuse/neglect are huge factors, but other behaviors I exhibited led him to the conclusion that I was also sexually abused.

So I have all this stuff going on.
I have had these issues for almost 20 years.
20 years of praying.
I have given up on prayer.

See, God is supposed to be our "Loving Father" and He is supposed to be able to do anything.
I have prayed for all these YEARS to have it all taken from me.

I still have it. Where is He? If He exists, why does he let me deal with this?
I know that if I had the ability, I would not let my children suffer for even a minute. I would instantaneously remove any pain or fear from them. If God "loves me so much" WHY do I deal with all this stuff.


Also, aside from that, WHY, if he is an all loving God, does he condemn people to hell AT ALL.
If it were MY choice, even my worst enemies would be in heaven after death because people don't deserve hell.
If he loves everyone so much, why does he care about so many different things.

One- homosexuality. WHO CARES? If you love someone, you love someone. You can't help who you fall in love with... period.
Homosexuality, HOW is that a "sin that condemns you to hell"? Who is it hurting? The answer: ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!
Homosexuality is not like MURDER, ABUSE, RAPE and NO, people who like the same sex aren't PEDOPHILES!!!!

Me, I don't care who my kids love as long as they are happy!!!

Sex outside of marriage. WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE A SHEET OF PAPER "UNITING" TWO. IF YOU ARE IN LOVE AND WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH SOMEONE IT'S OK DAMN IT.
I understand that you DO need to love the person. You need to know that that person is NOT going to just abandon you. Use you, abuse you and abandon you. I don't believe in sex without emotional connection. I tried the one night stand thing. It fucking sucked, though I do have to say, those are better than when a man will lie straight to your face, just to fornicate and rip your heart apart and kill your soul.
Fuck anyone who isn't there to restore and build you up.

Someday my prince will come.

Ok shower time then bed time...........

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Refocusing

I have decided to do all that I can to focus on all the positive things in my life. Sure I have a lot of problems, but who doesn't?
Everyone deals with problems, everyone struggles.
Everyone has some aspect of their life that is completely screwed up, but there are so many people who deal with it so well.
I want to be one of those people!
I am going to focus on my children, building my relationship with them more and more.
I am going to focus on my schooling. I want to become a lamplighter at my school. It requires good grades, being prompt and not missing school. It looks excellent on your resume as well.
I am going to work to save, save, save money so I can purchase my own car.
I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful for my children, school, (possible job) and so on.
I have integrity.
I am honest.
I am pretty and I am losing weight.
I am smart.
I am a wonderful and loyal friend.
I am a hard worker.
And so much more!
When the time comes and the right man shows up, I will be a loving, faithful, and honest girlfriend.
I just need to find a man who will fight tooth and nail to be with me when I go through my issues.
I don't want to hear words.
I want to see actions.
Actions speak louder than words!

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #12

#12. Describe A Typical Day In Your Current Life

A typical day in my current life is hard to put on paper because so much is up in the air.
Waking up at about 6 am, getting ready, going to school from 8-12 then homework or hanging out with friends until evening and spending time with my kids whenever I can on the weekdays.
On the weekends I get to have my beautiful children to hang out with.

I do the basics as well..... eat, sleep, brush teeth, brush hair, drink, etc etc.

I am so incredibly tired right now.
I have a lot of hardships I am going through right now.

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #11

#11- List 10 Pet Peeves You Have.

1. Not having any privacy. Parent's knocking on the door every time I shut it to be alone for a while.
2. People who are rude and do not have common manners. ALWAYS say "Please" "Thank You" and "You're Welcome".
3. Men who don't hold doors open for women or elderly people.
4. Boogers in kids noses. Parent's get those boogers OUT! I never let my kids walk around with boogers in their nose.
5. People who try to control EVERYTHING!!!
6. Losing things. I HATE when I can't remember where I put something. I get mean!
7. When my face feels greasy or feels dry. Weird.
8. Getting pebbles, sand or other particles in my shoes.
9. When my brain doesn't cooperate and give me the words to say until long after a conversation is over.
10. When people claim to love, care and trust me but their actions scream the opposite. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

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Mother/Daughter Tea and Mother's Day

On Saturday, May 11, 2013 I went to a mother/daughter tea in Thornton. 

It was good, it would have been better had I not had a huge argument with the kids dad. 

So my mom, myself and my daughter went up to the Golden Corral for the tea party and met up  with my sister and two of my nieces. 

The "theme" was being women of hope. 

To be completely honest, my head was else where. I had so much going on in my mind I don't remember half of the stuff that went on. I had one cup of tea, but by the time I got to it, it was already cold :/

These three little people are what gave me a reason to celebrate Mother's Day. I love them more than I could ever say! My Judah David, Ora Koryn and Ariah Patrick Lee, I love you so very much!

For mother's day I got some super sweet gifts from my Judah and Ora. They made them at school.

 My J-bug gave this to me and apologized that he wrote nice twice. I gave him a BIG hug and told him it was ok and that I LOVE the gift. 

 This is the front of the card Ora made for me. SO sweet. 

 This is what the inside of the card said. I also LOVE the way she writes her name. She's getting so good at it!

My GORGEOUS little girl!

All in all I had a really good time with my babies. I love them SO much. They are the best kids in the whole world. 

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Cast of Characters

The purpose of this blog entry is to help put faces to names of those I will be talking about in my blog. 

Please be patient with me as this will be evolving as I go along. 

 This is me, the author of this blog. I am Carolina (a.k.a. Cari). 

 My son Judah David. Born May 26, 2006. He was two months premature weighing 4 lbs 9 oz.

He had a heart arrhythmia and a brain bleed, but he is healthy as a horse with no complications.

You would never know that he was preemie just by looking at him. He's a tall healthy boy! 

 My beautiful daughter Ora Koryn. Born August 22, 2008.  She was 6 days early (on time of course lol). 

She was 7lbs 1oz and healthy. She didn't want to cry for the first couple of days. 

She is very different now! Now you can't get her to be quiet! She is 4 going on 16!

 This is my little man Ariah Patrick Lee. Born May 10, 2011.

He was a month early weighing in at a whopping 10 lbs 13 oz! 

He had to be in the hospital for 3 weeks and 2 days. He had to be intubated and stuff. 

He is super healthy now. The only thing he "has" now is a birth defect and it's just one pupil is bigger. 

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Happy Happy Happy Birthday Ariah Patrick Lee

Two years ago, today.. I gave birth to my third born, Mr. Ariah Patrick Lee.
He was my huge child, at a month early he weighed a whopping 10lbs 13oz.
If you are curious and would like to read the birth story of my beautiful boy follow the link to my old blog:
http://judahsmommy.blogspot.com/2011/05/on-tuesday-10-of-may-i-woke-up-at.html

I cannot believe he is an entire TWO years old.
They grow WAY too fast!!!

Heavily pregnant

In Labor

 He arrives

 SUMO

 My newborn in a size one diaper that didn't fit ;)

Now look at my boy! He is getting SO big!

Happy 2nd birthday my little booger!
I love you more than you could EVER IMAGINE.
I am excited to watch you grow and learn!

Know you can ALWAYS come to mommy if you need anything.
I will always be here for you my little man!!!

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Happy Joyfulness

So many things are looking up in life.
My kids are amazing.
School is going great.
I have met some amazing new friends.
I am just giddy giddy!

I can't wait to expand on everything, but I know several people who read my blog that would be preachy.

More to come SOON!!

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #10

#10: Describe Your Most Embarrassing Moment. 

The day I gave birth to Miss Ora Koryn was one embarrassing day. It was actually quite funny, and I think it was possibly more embarrassing for my sister than myself. 

So when I was pushing Ora out, she came out FAST. As soon as her body came out a large amount of amniotic fluid squirted out across the room. It's funny, because later, after all the excitement of a new baby my sister was wonderful and told us her point of view. 

My sister was standing there in the room with me. She was holding Judah (yes, I let my son be in the room) and was talking to Judah about how his baby sister was about to come into the world. As I made my final push the fluid squirted across the room and onto my sister. She said she had to try really hard to compose herself but kept thinking "Ewwwww, her vag juice was all over my leg...... Ewwww, its in my shoe now and it's all gooey..." HAHAHAHAHAHA

I laughed SO hard when she told me that. 

I guess it's a chance you take when watching a child be born! :)

And simply because it is a post about Ora's birth, here is a photo of my gorgeous little lady right after she was born!

On a side note:

HOW ON EARTH IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SHE WILL BE 5 THIS YEAR???

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NEW LAYOUT/TEMPLATE

Still under construction. Bear with me.  
I will soon be posting a real post here. I want to pick up on the series of 30 things my kids should know about me.

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #9.

LIST 5 PEOPLE WHO INSPIRED YOU AND HOW. (cut it down to 5)

Miss Toni-Kaye has inspired me more than words can say. She is such a strong woman. She is going through some hard times yet whenever I see her she is confident and loving. She is giving and caring. She has accomplished SO much that it has really made me want to strive to better myself. She has gone to cosmetology school, working full-time, being a wonderful mom, shes back in school, cooks meals, gives her spare time (what she has of it) freely to all of her friends who are also going through hard times. I am truly blessed to have her as my friend.

Samantha V. is so strong. I know she is having such a hard time since losing her 2 year old little boy in a tragic accident. She has not been afraid to show her feelings. She is an amazing mother and I inspire to be like her. She is loving, caring, self-less, strong, sweet, beautiful. I just wish I could take the pain away from her.

Heather Lorraine- she has been through so much crap but she has pulled through and seems to strong and is working on bettering her life for her and her daughter. So much stronger than I. She was the one who told me I should go to bartending school. I went and thoroughly enjoyed myself. She now has a new job and is working hard to get on her feet. She is an inspiration, like Toni-Kaye, for bettering myself and working on getting on my feet.

Kymberly Kay is going through a lot of what I have been going through. She is an amazing mom and friend. She can be having a hard time, yet she is ALWAYS there to listen when I need to talk. She has a big open heart that lends itself to others for love and comfort!

Sarah Joy is an amazing mom. She is an amazing full-time mom and her son is so wonderful and well behaved. She is obviously doing something right. I love how she stands firm to her beliefs. She is pro-life and she knows what it is like to give a child up for adoption, so she knows how hard it can be to carry a child to term and have to give them up. She is strong and it was a very brave and hard decision to make.

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #8.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

Obviously my children are one of my passions. I am so passionate about helping them to lead good lives. I can't even put into words how much I dwell on it. I am working to better myself so that they can have all the things I never had. I want to be able to get them their first car. I want to provide them with the opportunity to go to college. I want to help them help themselves. 

Another passion of mine is music. I love so many different types of music. Country, pop, alternative, heavy metal, rock, hip-hop, rap and so much more. It all just depends. If I can relate to the lyrics I am drawn in. If it has a good tune or beat I will listen to it regardless of the lyrics. I just love music and listen to it all the time. If I don't have youtube playing in the background or on the radio I will have headphones and listen to the music on my phone. (If you have any song suggestions send them my way! I love discovering new music!)

My voice... No, not the sound of my own voice, but the opinions and stories I have to share. I love talking and sharing my experiences! This is a blessing and a curse because I have what I call "word vomit". It just pours out without me even realizing it, without being able to detect if a person is truly interested or if I am driving them crazy. I am a talker. You get me on a subject that I am interested in I could, and if permitted, will talk until your poor ears fall to the floor. 

I am passionate about bettering myself. Since separating from the kids dad I have been searching for a job. That was back in November. Applying to many jobs a day. Submitting resume after resume without any solid leads on getting a job. Well, last month I decided to go to bartending school. I attended Bartending and Casino College of Denver. I start school again on Friday! I am going back to become a dental assistant. I am beyond excited to learn more and actually make something of myself. To start a career, get on my feet and be able to support myself and my children. 

Photographs and videos... I used to want to be a photographer, but decided instead to just take pictures as a hobby. To take them to preserve memories so that I can always look back and see how my children have changed and grown. Blogging is obviously different but I love that it too can keep memories. I can type, take videos, take photos and so on so that I can look back see the changes and remember my beautiful childrens silly comments. These help me because honestly, I don't ever want to throw any of my kids drawings or letters away, but if I kept them all I would be in a world of hurt! lol. So I take pictures of the drawings/art work before throwing them away, that way I have them stored electronically and I don't feel as bad throwing stuff away :)

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Weekend Shenanigans! (WITH PICTURES FINALLY!)

Weekend Shenanigans! 

I hadn't seen my beautiful babies for a whole week while their dad was in D.C. 

When he came back from D.C. I asked him to bring my babies to me immediately so I could see them. When my babies walked in the front door I couldn't contain the happiness. I just hugged and kissed and smoooshed their cheekies. It seems so odd that after a week they seemed to have grown so much! Goodness gracious. 

Anyway, we had some La Fogata mexican food since I was craving it like no other. 

Then the kidlets got to stay the night with me. Judah helped me with some chores and stuff while Ari got in the way and Ora went off to play in the backyard. 

I love watching my babies sleep and I love when they cuddle up next to me to sleep. 

My sweeties are just perfect. 

Sunday morning we woke up early and went to play out front. Well Ari decided he wanted to go on a walk so we just followed him. The kid has SO much energy that I had to keep stopping him so that Judah and Ora could catch up. Ari was NOT pleased whenever I would hold his hand and tell him to wait. The boy has a temper and would scream and cry and sit down until I said he could go again. LOL

Judah and Ora had a blast collecting worms. Tons of worms. It had rained the night before so there were many of them in the gutters. Judah was on his cousins old scooter that has a basket on it and Judah was putting dirt in it with the worms. 

Ora would only grab the tiny worms, she is such a girl. She tried to grab a big one and it moved and she freaked out and pulled her hand away. She made me laugh.

Later, Jonathan called to say he was on the way to pick the kids up. I told him I wanted to keep them. He said that at least he wanted to bring them cinnamon rolls. I asked the kids if they wanted to go with daddy or stay with mommy. Judah wanted to stay with me and Ora wanted to go with daddy. Ari, well he can't choose and I had a couple things to do so I sent him with his dad. 

Judah has always been a mamas boy. He was the one who nursed the longest, co-slept and always wanted to cuddle with me. He loves his dad, but I think he has just had a different connection with me. 

Ora on the other hand is TOTALLY a daddies girl. She has her father wrapped around her little finger like no other. She loves me as well and loves to cuddle, but is definitely more attached to her dad. 

Ari is..... Ari. Neither mommy or daddies boy. He's very independent. HATES to be held or cuddled. High energy and never stops. He loves us, just isn't really attached to either one of us more than the other. 

 ^^So cool with a hat!^^

 ^^Love this candy!!!^^

 ^^Sleeping with his little booty in the air!^^

                                                    ^^Ora's cute little pudgy belly!^^

 ^^They sleep in the strangest positions!^^

 ^^Poor lady tipped the tiny bike and was sad :(^^

 ^^Lets keep going mom!^^

^^Look at our worms!!!^^

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