Friday, August 23, 2013

On lunch

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I have gotten almost nothing done in my department tonight. Why?
Every time I turn around I have customers asking me for stuff. Its been a rough night.

I am just now on lunch at 8:40 and I get off at 10. And I still have to do my last 15min break. Well at least I will have a quiet night hiding away from customers.

I can feel myself slowly reverting back into antisocial mode.

I hate it but my thoughts of people not liking me are coming back. I want to have a little get together at my apartment but have convinced myself no one would come.

I've also convinced myself that no one will ever fall in love with me again. I'm convinced no one has ever been in love with me. I swear I have some big character flaw that I just can't see.

I mentioned in an earlier post about a mother and daughter who came in and spoke with me. The mother (we shall refer to her as "C") was wise and really opened my eyes to something I never thought of before.

She told me that if a man doesn't give you what you have been giving yourself and is taking away from you rather than giving that its not worth it.

I started thinking about it all and realized that I haven't had the type of relationship where I was given to rather than taken away. 

Now this is not a "throw my ex under the bus" post just experiences that I had and how what "C" really resonates with it all.

So before I got married I was very athletic.  I never wanted to stay home. I was an outdoorsy type of girl. I loved camping, hiking, fishing and going on walks. I also loved to just go out to things even if it was to just go to a local animal shelter and visit the animals.

When I was married, I would beg him to come with me. I begged him to go camping and stuff but he always refused. He insisted he stay home and I take the kids.

This is where the words of wisdom from "C" hit home.

I feel as though those things in my life were taken. I haven't been camping in like 10 years. I've been fishing once, only because my dad took us. I had these things taken from my life rather than having things added to my life.

I became incredibly lazy. Gained a shit ton of weight. Became depressed, lethargic and antisocial.  So my life was turned upside down.

Maybe no one will fall in love with me again because I have high expectations?  I don't feel like they are too high though. I just want someone to add to my life. I don't expect them to make me their entire world or buy me everything or whatever. I want quality time. I want cuddles. I want love. I don't think I will find it :(

I don't want a man to just rely on. I am working supporting myself. I can take care of myself. I want the companionship. I want to go out and hang out. Its hard to put into words and I'm tired.

I'm tired of men taking advantage. 

I have major trust issues.

I just... I know what I want. I don't need a man to fulfill my life. I just want a partner. I don't know if it will happen....

Too much in my mind right now.

I gotta get back to work. I may continue this tomorrow. 

Goodnight for now.


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