The Question Is....

The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.


Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety


My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....

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Doubts, Anger, Beliefs

I really don't even know how to begin this post.
I was talking to my mom on the way home today. I told her that I don't even know if God exists and if He does why does it seem like He is unloving.

I have anxiety and depression issues which, for the most part are stabilized.

Rewind. I just want to get this all out there. I don't have any idea why I try to hide it all the time.

So I saw a trauma specialist back in Dec/Jan and he helped me figure some stuff out/helped me with connecting dots from my past that I never considered to be a factor in my "issues".
When I was little I had a babysitter with a son.
Well the babysitter was obviously a very neglectful person seeing as all the stuff that happened she was "unaware of".
-First, she was not watching me and I fell down the stairs in my walker.
-Her son used to do that thing where you throw a kid over your shoulder and hold them (I call my kids "sack of taters" when I do it.) Well, this ass would do it and let me fall on the floor.
-He used to tie ropes around my neck and drag me around the house like a dog.
-My sister told my kids dad that she remembered him trying to drown me.
-She wasn't watching me again and I crawled under the teeter-totter with kids on it. It came down and smashed my eyebrow open.

It was at the hospital when I was getting my stitches in my eyebrow that the doctors saw the rope burns around my neck and thought my parents were abusing me.

This is only the stuff any of us can remember but the trauma specialist helped me. I told him all these things and certain behaviors I had even at an early age.
Obviously that abuse/neglect are huge factors, but other behaviors I exhibited led him to the conclusion that I was also sexually abused.

So I have all this stuff going on.
I have had these issues for almost 20 years.
20 years of praying.
I have given up on prayer.

See, God is supposed to be our "Loving Father" and He is supposed to be able to do anything.
I have prayed for all these YEARS to have it all taken from me.

I still have it. Where is He? If He exists, why does he let me deal with this?
I know that if I had the ability, I would not let my children suffer for even a minute. I would instantaneously remove any pain or fear from them. If God "loves me so much" WHY do I deal with all this stuff.


Also, aside from that, WHY, if he is an all loving God, does he condemn people to hell AT ALL.
If it were MY choice, even my worst enemies would be in heaven after death because people don't deserve hell.
If he loves everyone so much, why does he care about so many different things.

One- homosexuality. WHO CARES? If you love someone, you love someone. You can't help who you fall in love with... period.
Homosexuality, HOW is that a "sin that condemns you to hell"? Who is it hurting? The answer: ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!
Homosexuality is not like MURDER, ABUSE, RAPE and NO, people who like the same sex aren't PEDOPHILES!!!!

Me, I don't care who my kids love as long as they are happy!!!

Sex outside of marriage. WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE A SHEET OF PAPER "UNITING" TWO. IF YOU ARE IN LOVE AND WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH SOMEONE IT'S OK DAMN IT.
I understand that you DO need to love the person. You need to know that that person is NOT going to just abandon you. Use you, abuse you and abandon you. I don't believe in sex without emotional connection. I tried the one night stand thing. It fucking sucked, though I do have to say, those are better than when a man will lie straight to your face, just to fornicate and rip your heart apart and kill your soul.
Fuck anyone who isn't there to restore and build you up.

Someday my prince will come.

Ok shower time then bed time...........

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