Been forever!

So I haven't posted in a very long time.
Got some stuff to update on.

First, I am expecting baby #4 on May 22, 2015.

On an ultrasound on Thursday we took a peek at gender. Baby was not being fully cooperative but we are 95% sure it's a BOY! I am so excited. 3 boys and 1 girl!

My two eldest were not the happiest. Judah, he took it the hardest. He was thinking it was my choice. That I had chosen a boy. Haha

I told them that God chooses if you have a boy or girl and Ora told me "No, my teacher says your tummy chooses". I said "well maybe your teacher doesn't believe in God, or she does and can't say that God chooses."

The next day they came around and were ok.

Ari just has no idea what's going on. I have the sneaking suspicion that he will not be happy because he will no longer be the baby lol.

Judah had a school play and had his own lines. He did so good, considering he is my shy child.

Ora is doing really well with reading. She's definitely my pro!

Ari is just getting big and is being a rotten little boy lol. He's so smart and adorable though.

I'm still working at walgreens....

This baby's dad is in jail for domestic violence. He will not be part of this Baby's life.

I'm feeling lonely and wanting to be in love but I don't see that happening any time soon, or at all.

Such is life.

Well I guess that's all for now.

Read More...

The Question Is....

The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.


Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety


My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....

Read More...

Life and it's strange ways....

I have been thinking a lot lately about life.
About me.
About others.
About everything.

Me....
Ahhhhh. Damn it. I changed my mind on posting this. I think it will be a personal journal entry. :/

I am so going to turn this post around 100%.
No need to focus on negative stuff.

So lately I have been couponing.
I have been saving so much money.

Ok.. My mind is MUCH too scatterbrained tonight. I don't think this posting thing is going to be a very good idea.

.....




Sleepy girl :), a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.


I caught him reading a paper insert. My word he's toooo cute for his own good!, a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.

Read More...

A post

So, now that I finally have a chance to sit at a computer and type out a post, I shall.

I have been so busy lately, between three kids, school and full-time work, I don't get a lot of time to sit and write.

Judah started second grade.
He loves his teacher and is having so much fun. He still hates homework, but I tell him it's a part of life. We all have things we have to do that we don't necessarily want to do. We have to do them anyway. He is a smart kid. I know I say that all the time, but he really is. It amazes me to hear him talk about things and hold conversations with him. I think he teaches me just as much, if not more, that I teach him.

Ora started kindergarten.
She too is super smart and I love her dearly. This kindergartner uses words like "particularly". I mean really? Child. You are only 5! Stop trying to be so big. :) She too loves school and was SO happy when she saw it was me picking her up from school. That grin is precious and I love her to death. My little cuddle bug.

Ari started.... talking.... a LOT!
Ari is such a typical boy. He is a daredevil. He is also naughty. My rotten boy. But he is cute and I can see him changing so much. He is also still a BIG boy. The other day I went to pick up my nephew, who is 5 months younger (who for a while there was about to pass Ari up) and I braced myself to pick up a child Ari's size. Not so much. I felt like I was about to throw poor Ben with the force I but behind picking him up.
Ari is built like a little linebacker. Big boned and husky. LOVE!


Some conversations I have had with the kids.

Judah: Mom, I did some of my homework. Will you do the rest?
Me: No, son. That is your homework and your responsibility.
Judah: But I did most of it. I just want you to finish it for me. PLEASE?
Me: Judah, you need to do it. You are smarter than me. I don't know how to do that.
Judah: No, you're smarter.
Me: Nope. You are the smartest.
Judah: Mom, I'm only smarter at video games. You are smarter with homework.

HAHA, my dork. Thinking he can actually talk me into doing his homework.



Me: Judah, how was your first day of school?
Judah: Good. I like my teacher. She's very nice.
Me: That's wonderful!!! So.... Do you have a girlfriend?
Judah: *grumbles while smiling*
Me: Who is it?
Judah: .........
Me: Is it H_____? Is it V______?
Judah: *glares at me*
Ora: His girlfriend is V_______!!!!!! He's just too embarrassed to say it.
Me: Is that so? Who's your boyfriend Ora?
Ora: *grumble while smiling*
Judah: What does his name start with?
Ora: "J"
Me: Ohhhhh. Is it J1_____?
Ora: Not particularly. Kind of.
Judah: It's J2____!!!!!!
Me: Awwwww. J2____???? How cute!

I love teasing my kids. They think it's hilarious!

Ari always wants to see himself when being recorded or having pictures taken.
If he can't see himself he says "I WANT ARI!!!" "SEE ARI!!!"
HAHA. My silly boy.

And he catches me off guard with all his new words.
Today I made him a nutella sandwich and he goes "SAMMICH!!!"
And when he says "You k, mommy?"
And tonight when I put him down for bed he says "uh hug! uh kiss!" so I gave him a hug and kiss. Then when I was leaving the room he says "Uv you. Goodbye. Nigh-Nigh"


I just can't believe how big they are getting.
How smart and how gorgeous.
How loving and caring.

I found a baby picture of Judah and I literally like bawled all night thinking about how they all are supposed to be babies still.
But life doesn't work that way. I know 5 years down the road I will find pictures of them now and just bawl thinking. My boy is supposed to be 7. Or my girl is supposed to be 5. My baby is supposed to be 2.

It never ends. My amazing children.
I love them more than anything in this world!!!

Read More...

11:30pm

So much has been happening. Good stuff!

School is going wonderfully!  I still love it (became a "lamplighter") 4.0 GPA.

I am living on my own now in a little studio apartment and its nice to have a place called "home" instead of crashing on peoples couches.

I am continuing to lose weight. 

I'm getting to know so many wonderful people through school and work.

Again, the only downfall is bring away from my kiddos! Yet, I do see them every time I get the chance. I love hugging them and kissing their little faces.

Judah could do without all of that though since he's "all grown up and stuff" now at 7 years old. No more cuddles for mommy, unless he's sick, then he wants the cuddles.

Miss Koryn-ee face is still a cuddle bug but her way of trying to get cuddles is to walk over and flop on top of you and continue flopping around lol. Goofy girl but she is a sweetheart.

Ari. He doesn't cuddle but he will give hugs and kisses. When I'm coughing he comes up "uh you k mom?" Such a sweet boy but also rotten. He is so mischievous.  Tell him no and he grins with a look of "I'm so cute, you can't be mad at me".

I had a big blessing at work. 

A mother and daughter came up to me and spoke words of wisdom, truth and encouragement.  I had a good cry with them. They were so sweet and the daughter said "I just want to take her home with me". 

I just can't put into words how grateful I am that there are good people in the world still. Strangers who love and care about others just because that's in their heart.

Despite having all these new people in my life who I love and care about there is something else...

I'm not going to lie about it, but I miss companionship. 

I miss sleeping in someones arms. 

I miss romance. 

I miss dates. 

I miss holding hands. 

I miss kisses. 

It feels a little like something is missing in my life, but I continue to hold onto hope that "he's" out there. Hopefully not too far away, but out there nonetheless.  It just seems anyone I'm interested in, isn't interested in me. 

I try and drop hints/clues but nothing comes of it.

I always think, "someday" and start singing "someday my prince will come". Silly huh? 

I've also just given up on trying to be what I think someone wants.

I am me. 

I am goofy. 

I and a dork to the max. 

I crack cheesy jokes and laugh at myself. 

I'm sarcastic.  

I am loving. 

I am faithful.  

I am caring. 

My heart aches to share my life with someone who can accept me for who I am. 

For my ups and downs. 

For my lack of tact. 

My baggage and Lord knows I have a bunch. 

I am not the person I was in high school. 

Hell, I'm not even the person I was 4 months ago!  

I have grown. 

I have become wiser. 

I have learned to be happy and to not let others determine my mood so much. 

Only I can make myself feel a certain way and I choose happy! 

I choose joy. 

I choose to live a positive life!

Read More...

Mother/Daughter Tea and Mother's Day

On Saturday, May 11, 2013 I went to a mother/daughter tea in Thornton. 

It was good, it would have been better had I not had a huge argument with the kids dad. 

So my mom, myself and my daughter went up to the Golden Corral for the tea party and met up  with my sister and two of my nieces. 

The "theme" was being women of hope. 

To be completely honest, my head was else where. I had so much going on in my mind I don't remember half of the stuff that went on. I had one cup of tea, but by the time I got to it, it was already cold :/

These three little people are what gave me a reason to celebrate Mother's Day. I love them more than I could ever say! My Judah David, Ora Koryn and Ariah Patrick Lee, I love you so very much!

For mother's day I got some super sweet gifts from my Judah and Ora. They made them at school.

 My J-bug gave this to me and apologized that he wrote nice twice. I gave him a BIG hug and told him it was ok and that I LOVE the gift. 

 This is the front of the card Ora made for me. SO sweet. 

 This is what the inside of the card said. I also LOVE the way she writes her name. She's getting so good at it!

My GORGEOUS little girl!

All in all I had a really good time with my babies. I love them SO much. They are the best kids in the whole world. 

Read More...

Happy Happy Happy Birthday Ariah Patrick Lee

Two years ago, today.. I gave birth to my third born, Mr. Ariah Patrick Lee.
He was my huge child, at a month early he weighed a whopping 10lbs 13oz.
If you are curious and would like to read the birth story of my beautiful boy follow the link to my old blog:
http://judahsmommy.blogspot.com/2011/05/on-tuesday-10-of-may-i-woke-up-at.html

I cannot believe he is an entire TWO years old.
They grow WAY too fast!!!

Heavily pregnant

In Labor

 He arrives

 SUMO

 My newborn in a size one diaper that didn't fit ;)

Now look at my boy! He is getting SO big!

Happy 2nd birthday my little booger!
I love you more than you could EVER IMAGINE.
I am excited to watch you grow and learn!

Know you can ALWAYS come to mommy if you need anything.
I will always be here for you my little man!!!

Read More...

Happy Joyfulness

So many things are looking up in life.
My kids are amazing.
School is going great.
I have met some amazing new friends.
I am just giddy giddy!

I can't wait to expand on everything, but I know several people who read my blog that would be preachy.

More to come SOON!!

Read More...

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #6

#6... IF YOU COULD HAVE 3 WISHES, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?

My first wish would most definitely be for my children! That they would have some awesome and amazing lives filled with love, joy and tons of adventure. That they would never feel pain whether it be physical or emotional. More than anything else, I hope my kids grow to know the Lord as their Savior and do their best to serve Him. 

My second wish would be to find true love. Someone who will love me for me. Someone who will love me despite my flaws. Someone who will stand by my side. Someone who  will love and care for not only me but my children as well. 

My third wish would be to remove all of the bad things that have happened in my past that contribute to my mental health issues and to abolish all depression, anxiety and other skewed thoughts that I have. 

Read More...

30 Things That My Kids Should Know About Me. #5

What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. My kids! They are everything to me. They make me smile. They make me laugh. They are beautiful, wonderful, silly, caring, obnoxious, frustrating, smooooshy, cuddly (even though they don't like to be cuddled I do it anyway) and SWEET.    I JUST LOVE THEMMMMMMM!!! (Getting a little excited over here. I haven't seen them all week and I get to have them over night tonight!!)

2. Family. I love my family. You all drive me batty, but I still love you!

3. Friends. My friends rock my socks! I love them all so much and how encouraging they are. I love that they are always there to listen to me bitch and complain even when they have their own troubles. I hope I am giving them adequate support and that I listen well. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

4. Music. I love listening to music and getting lost in the words. I love the way it engulfs my mind and takes me elsewhere. Lyrics that help me deal with my emotions and explain how I feel when I can't put my own feeling into words.

5. Photographs. I have been looking through so many old photos and it is really quite bittersweet. I just want to hold my tiny tot's again, but they are growing so fast it kinda breaks my heart. It breaks my heart but I am also happy that they are healthy and growing. Photographs make me happy because I will always have these amazing memories!

Christmas 2011. My Beautiful Kids! 

Read More...

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #2

List 3 Legitimate Fears You Have And How They Became Fears.

I want to start this post by saying,  I have a ton of fears. I would say most are ridiculous and silly.

I have a hard time trying to decipher which are legitimate and which aren't.

I would say my biggest fear is the thought that my children grow and choose to not believe in God. The fear of any of my children not being in Heaven with me and going to hell scares the crap out of me. I Pray they accept and love Him.

Another fear I have is losing one or more of my children to death. After my friend Samantha and her husband lost their precious 2 year old Bram, I have been petrified of parking lots!. It's scary because they did EVERYTHING right and Bram was listening to his parents when a careless, distracted drive hit Bram. Seeing Sam and TJ go through what they have I have gained this fear!

My last fear is that I will never find someone to love me. That I will not be able to find a man who is willing to work through my issues. Someone who can have patience with me as I learn what it's like to be in a relationship and learn to trust again. I am not sure why or how this fear arose, but it was just recently. It's very hard to think about. I know this one may seem ridiculous but to me It's legitimate because, who wants to be alone?


So those are three of my legitimate fears.

Read More...