A post

So, now that I finally have a chance to sit at a computer and type out a post, I shall.

I have been so busy lately, between three kids, school and full-time work, I don't get a lot of time to sit and write.

Judah started second grade.
He loves his teacher and is having so much fun. He still hates homework, but I tell him it's a part of life. We all have things we have to do that we don't necessarily want to do. We have to do them anyway. He is a smart kid. I know I say that all the time, but he really is. It amazes me to hear him talk about things and hold conversations with him. I think he teaches me just as much, if not more, that I teach him.

Ora started kindergarten.
She too is super smart and I love her dearly. This kindergartner uses words like "particularly". I mean really? Child. You are only 5! Stop trying to be so big. :) She too loves school and was SO happy when she saw it was me picking her up from school. That grin is precious and I love her to death. My little cuddle bug.

Ari started.... talking.... a LOT!
Ari is such a typical boy. He is a daredevil. He is also naughty. My rotten boy. But he is cute and I can see him changing so much. He is also still a BIG boy. The other day I went to pick up my nephew, who is 5 months younger (who for a while there was about to pass Ari up) and I braced myself to pick up a child Ari's size. Not so much. I felt like I was about to throw poor Ben with the force I but behind picking him up.
Ari is built like a little linebacker. Big boned and husky. LOVE!


Some conversations I have had with the kids.

Judah: Mom, I did some of my homework. Will you do the rest?
Me: No, son. That is your homework and your responsibility.
Judah: But I did most of it. I just want you to finish it for me. PLEASE?
Me: Judah, you need to do it. You are smarter than me. I don't know how to do that.
Judah: No, you're smarter.
Me: Nope. You are the smartest.
Judah: Mom, I'm only smarter at video games. You are smarter with homework.

HAHA, my dork. Thinking he can actually talk me into doing his homework.



Me: Judah, how was your first day of school?
Judah: Good. I like my teacher. She's very nice.
Me: That's wonderful!!! So.... Do you have a girlfriend?
Judah: *grumbles while smiling*
Me: Who is it?
Judah: .........
Me: Is it H_____? Is it V______?
Judah: *glares at me*
Ora: His girlfriend is V_______!!!!!! He's just too embarrassed to say it.
Me: Is that so? Who's your boyfriend Ora?
Ora: *grumble while smiling*
Judah: What does his name start with?
Ora: "J"
Me: Ohhhhh. Is it J1_____?
Ora: Not particularly. Kind of.
Judah: It's J2____!!!!!!
Me: Awwwww. J2____???? How cute!

I love teasing my kids. They think it's hilarious!

Ari always wants to see himself when being recorded or having pictures taken.
If he can't see himself he says "I WANT ARI!!!" "SEE ARI!!!"
HAHA. My silly boy.

And he catches me off guard with all his new words.
Today I made him a nutella sandwich and he goes "SAMMICH!!!"
And when he says "You k, mommy?"
And tonight when I put him down for bed he says "uh hug! uh kiss!" so I gave him a hug and kiss. Then when I was leaving the room he says "Uv you. Goodbye. Nigh-Nigh"


I just can't believe how big they are getting.
How smart and how gorgeous.
How loving and caring.

I found a baby picture of Judah and I literally like bawled all night thinking about how they all are supposed to be babies still.
But life doesn't work that way. I know 5 years down the road I will find pictures of them now and just bawl thinking. My boy is supposed to be 7. Or my girl is supposed to be 5. My baby is supposed to be 2.

It never ends. My amazing children.
I love them more than anything in this world!!!

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11:30pm

So much has been happening. Good stuff!

School is going wonderfully!  I still love it (became a "lamplighter") 4.0 GPA.

I am living on my own now in a little studio apartment and its nice to have a place called "home" instead of crashing on peoples couches.

I am continuing to lose weight. 

I'm getting to know so many wonderful people through school and work.

Again, the only downfall is bring away from my kiddos! Yet, I do see them every time I get the chance. I love hugging them and kissing their little faces.

Judah could do without all of that though since he's "all grown up and stuff" now at 7 years old. No more cuddles for mommy, unless he's sick, then he wants the cuddles.

Miss Koryn-ee face is still a cuddle bug but her way of trying to get cuddles is to walk over and flop on top of you and continue flopping around lol. Goofy girl but she is a sweetheart.

Ari. He doesn't cuddle but he will give hugs and kisses. When I'm coughing he comes up "uh you k mom?" Such a sweet boy but also rotten. He is so mischievous.  Tell him no and he grins with a look of "I'm so cute, you can't be mad at me".

I had a big blessing at work. 

A mother and daughter came up to me and spoke words of wisdom, truth and encouragement.  I had a good cry with them. They were so sweet and the daughter said "I just want to take her home with me". 

I just can't put into words how grateful I am that there are good people in the world still. Strangers who love and care about others just because that's in their heart.

Despite having all these new people in my life who I love and care about there is something else...

I'm not going to lie about it, but I miss companionship. 

I miss sleeping in someones arms. 

I miss romance. 

I miss dates. 

I miss holding hands. 

I miss kisses. 

It feels a little like something is missing in my life, but I continue to hold onto hope that "he's" out there. Hopefully not too far away, but out there nonetheless.  It just seems anyone I'm interested in, isn't interested in me. 

I try and drop hints/clues but nothing comes of it.

I always think, "someday" and start singing "someday my prince will come". Silly huh? 

I've also just given up on trying to be what I think someone wants.

I am me. 

I am goofy. 

I and a dork to the max. 

I crack cheesy jokes and laugh at myself. 

I'm sarcastic.  

I am loving. 

I am faithful.  

I am caring. 

My heart aches to share my life with someone who can accept me for who I am. 

For my ups and downs. 

For my lack of tact. 

My baggage and Lord knows I have a bunch. 

I am not the person I was in high school. 

Hell, I'm not even the person I was 4 months ago!  

I have grown. 

I have become wiser. 

I have learned to be happy and to not let others determine my mood so much. 

Only I can make myself feel a certain way and I choose happy! 

I choose joy. 

I choose to live a positive life!

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Refocusing

I have decided to do all that I can to focus on all the positive things in my life. Sure I have a lot of problems, but who doesn't?
Everyone deals with problems, everyone struggles.
Everyone has some aspect of their life that is completely screwed up, but there are so many people who deal with it so well.
I want to be one of those people!
I am going to focus on my children, building my relationship with them more and more.
I am going to focus on my schooling. I want to become a lamplighter at my school. It requires good grades, being prompt and not missing school. It looks excellent on your resume as well.
I am going to work to save, save, save money so I can purchase my own car.
I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful for my children, school, (possible job) and so on.
I have integrity.
I am honest.
I am pretty and I am losing weight.
I am smart.
I am a wonderful and loyal friend.
I am a hard worker.
And so much more!
When the time comes and the right man shows up, I will be a loving, faithful, and honest girlfriend.
I just need to find a man who will fight tooth and nail to be with me when I go through my issues.
I don't want to hear words.
I want to see actions.
Actions speak louder than words!

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Cast of Characters

The purpose of this blog entry is to help put faces to names of those I will be talking about in my blog. 

Please be patient with me as this will be evolving as I go along. 

 This is me, the author of this blog. I am Carolina (a.k.a. Cari). 

 My son Judah David. Born May 26, 2006. He was two months premature weighing 4 lbs 9 oz.

He had a heart arrhythmia and a brain bleed, but he is healthy as a horse with no complications.

You would never know that he was preemie just by looking at him. He's a tall healthy boy! 

 My beautiful daughter Ora Koryn. Born August 22, 2008.  She was 6 days early (on time of course lol). 

She was 7lbs 1oz and healthy. She didn't want to cry for the first couple of days. 

She is very different now! Now you can't get her to be quiet! She is 4 going on 16!

 This is my little man Ariah Patrick Lee. Born May 10, 2011.

He was a month early weighing in at a whopping 10 lbs 13 oz! 

He had to be in the hospital for 3 weeks and 2 days. He had to be intubated and stuff. 

He is super healthy now. The only thing he "has" now is a birth defect and it's just one pupil is bigger. 

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Happy Joyfulness

So many things are looking up in life.
My kids are amazing.
School is going great.
I have met some amazing new friends.
I am just giddy giddy!

I can't wait to expand on everything, but I know several people who read my blog that would be preachy.

More to come SOON!!

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #8.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

Obviously my children are one of my passions. I am so passionate about helping them to lead good lives. I can't even put into words how much I dwell on it. I am working to better myself so that they can have all the things I never had. I want to be able to get them their first car. I want to provide them with the opportunity to go to college. I want to help them help themselves. 

Another passion of mine is music. I love so many different types of music. Country, pop, alternative, heavy metal, rock, hip-hop, rap and so much more. It all just depends. If I can relate to the lyrics I am drawn in. If it has a good tune or beat I will listen to it regardless of the lyrics. I just love music and listen to it all the time. If I don't have youtube playing in the background or on the radio I will have headphones and listen to the music on my phone. (If you have any song suggestions send them my way! I love discovering new music!)

My voice... No, not the sound of my own voice, but the opinions and stories I have to share. I love talking and sharing my experiences! This is a blessing and a curse because I have what I call "word vomit". It just pours out without me even realizing it, without being able to detect if a person is truly interested or if I am driving them crazy. I am a talker. You get me on a subject that I am interested in I could, and if permitted, will talk until your poor ears fall to the floor. 

I am passionate about bettering myself. Since separating from the kids dad I have been searching for a job. That was back in November. Applying to many jobs a day. Submitting resume after resume without any solid leads on getting a job. Well, last month I decided to go to bartending school. I attended Bartending and Casino College of Denver. I start school again on Friday! I am going back to become a dental assistant. I am beyond excited to learn more and actually make something of myself. To start a career, get on my feet and be able to support myself and my children. 

Photographs and videos... I used to want to be a photographer, but decided instead to just take pictures as a hobby. To take them to preserve memories so that I can always look back and see how my children have changed and grown. Blogging is obviously different but I love that it too can keep memories. I can type, take videos, take photos and so on so that I can look back see the changes and remember my beautiful childrens silly comments. These help me because honestly, I don't ever want to throw any of my kids drawings or letters away, but if I kept them all I would be in a world of hurt! lol. So I take pictures of the drawings/art work before throwing them away, that way I have them stored electronically and I don't feel as bad throwing stuff away :)

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Divorce

*Before I begin, I am going to be up front and honest in this blog. It's going to get very personal. I just want to lay my heart out there and share my stories.*


In November 2012, shortly after our seven year anniversary Jonathan and I decided to separate. I said it had been a long time coming, but when we told people we were going to get divorced we got comments like "Well, that was a long time coming", "You made it 2 years longer than I thought you would" and more like that.

There were SO many things that just slowly added up to the decisions over time.
In the first year, while I was pregnant with Judah, I had the worst continuous anxiety attack I had ever had in my life. I would BEG Jonathan to stay home. That I didn't want to be alone. That I NEEDED him to be there with and for me. He went to work anyway. I was so sick I couldn't eat or drink for about two weeks. I forced some water down, but not nearly enough. To this day I know Judah's two month premature birth was my fault because I couldn't eat or drink.

It was at that time I basically came to the conclusion that I would never be able to count on him to be there for me for any reason. I know it sounds awful of me, but honestly, I NEEDED him. More than I could have even put into words. I felt abandoned and alone.

During the second year of marriage I made some dumb suggestions on what we should do in the marriage. It was at that point that, according to Jonathan, he was hurt the most. I really can't expand on this part because I don't know what exactly he felt or thought.

Third year of marriage was when everything really started spiraling downward. We began fighting over petty things. He always talked to me and treated me like a child. He spoke to me the same way that he spoke to the children. I was no longer attracted to him. It wasn't until after we split that I figured it out, but I will get back to that in a minute.

It was during the third year of marriage that I first asked for a divorce. He would have nothing to do with it. We continued bickering for several more years and seeking marriage counseling.

About two weeks after our seventh anniversary we officially split up.

I did something I have been regretting everyday since. I attempted to overdose. It's a miracle I am here what I took. When people hear what I took they always stare at me baffled at how I am still alive, let alone with no permanent damage to any part of my body.

I know it sounds ridiculous to most people, but it was truly a wake-up call, like "wow, God has me here for a reason." Yes, I know and have heard it a millions times "Of course you have a reason for being here. You have three children who need their mom" "You have so many people who love you and it would break their hearts to lose you." and more like that. I want to clarify, when I got into this state of depression and anxiety, I convinced myself that they all would be better of without me.

Anyway, I got out of the hospital in January and moved in with my parents. I have been searching for a job. After having no luck in two months, I ended up going to bartending school. Finished it and continued looking for a job.

I have decided to go back to school again. I start on the 19th. I will be attending school to become a dental assistant. I am beyond excited! I am ready to make something of myself.

My life is going to be so different, but I am looking forward to it. I was terrified the first two months. I have never had to support myself. I have never had to pay bills. Nothing. But I am so happy that I am feeling confident and excited!

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