The Question Is....

The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.


Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety


My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....

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Excerpt from my journal

There is no simple way to explain how I feel. The way I have been used and abused.  My heart, so fragile, is not just broken but destroyed.

For a comparison, when you get into an auto accident, there are fender benders, which are mild, and have easily fixed damages. 

Then there are major accidents in which your car is totaled, extensive damage that cannot be repaired. 

If my heart were a car in one of these situations it would be the latter.

It feels as though I've been stabbed in the chest thousands upon thousands of times and the jaws of not life but of death were plunged deep in my chest cavity and opened. 

Opened so forcefully, yet slowly,warranting the pain of every rib breaking and cracking to be felt.

With every crack, fracture and break, a searing pain that is so zealous in the torture being placed upon me, that I believe there was no way possible that I could be mutilated any further.

Alas, my thoughts were faulty, just as my heart has been so many times.

Deep within they reach... each and every person and ripped a piece of my heart out. 

They proceed to squeeze and ring every bit of blood out of it before slamming it down on the floor and smashing and grinding it under the soles of their shoes.

They then shove it back at me and expect me to continue on with my life, as if I should be able to pick up and fix the damn thing and have an awesome life.

So many people wonder why I am so bitter...

I try so hard to be happy and to be able to trust everyone, forget that!!!

I have these walls built up around my heart, but I am so desperate for the love I have never experienced that I have let them come down way too easily. 

I let people in over and over and over because I never learn my lesson.

I am a lover and want to give someone all the love that I have to give, but I now believe I am too destroyed to be able to do so.

After the worst betrayal I could have ever thought of, how am I supposed to trust anyone with anything, especially my heart?

Blood is thicker than water??

Oh hell no!! That's the biggest load of crap I've ever been fed. Stupidest crap I've ever heard!

If these people could have done this to me who could I ever trust? 

No one the answer is NO ONE.

My heart is not broken...... My heart is destroyed!

I suppose all I can do is look at my wrist at my new tattoos and remember to just "keep moving forward"!

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