30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #8.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

Obviously my children are one of my passions. I am so passionate about helping them to lead good lives. I can't even put into words how much I dwell on it. I am working to better myself so that they can have all the things I never had. I want to be able to get them their first car. I want to provide them with the opportunity to go to college. I want to help them help themselves. 

Another passion of mine is music. I love so many different types of music. Country, pop, alternative, heavy metal, rock, hip-hop, rap and so much more. It all just depends. If I can relate to the lyrics I am drawn in. If it has a good tune or beat I will listen to it regardless of the lyrics. I just love music and listen to it all the time. If I don't have youtube playing in the background or on the radio I will have headphones and listen to the music on my phone. (If you have any song suggestions send them my way! I love discovering new music!)

My voice... No, not the sound of my own voice, but the opinions and stories I have to share. I love talking and sharing my experiences! This is a blessing and a curse because I have what I call "word vomit". It just pours out without me even realizing it, without being able to detect if a person is truly interested or if I am driving them crazy. I am a talker. You get me on a subject that I am interested in I could, and if permitted, will talk until your poor ears fall to the floor. 

I am passionate about bettering myself. Since separating from the kids dad I have been searching for a job. That was back in November. Applying to many jobs a day. Submitting resume after resume without any solid leads on getting a job. Well, last month I decided to go to bartending school. I attended Bartending and Casino College of Denver. I start school again on Friday! I am going back to become a dental assistant. I am beyond excited to learn more and actually make something of myself. To start a career, get on my feet and be able to support myself and my children. 

Photographs and videos... I used to want to be a photographer, but decided instead to just take pictures as a hobby. To take them to preserve memories so that I can always look back and see how my children have changed and grown. Blogging is obviously different but I love that it too can keep memories. I can type, take videos, take photos and so on so that I can look back see the changes and remember my beautiful childrens silly comments. These help me because honestly, I don't ever want to throw any of my kids drawings or letters away, but if I kept them all I would be in a world of hurt! lol. So I take pictures of the drawings/art work before throwing them away, that way I have them stored electronically and I don't feel as bad throwing stuff away :)

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Divorce

*Before I begin, I am going to be up front and honest in this blog. It's going to get very personal. I just want to lay my heart out there and share my stories.*


In November 2012, shortly after our seven year anniversary Jonathan and I decided to separate. I said it had been a long time coming, but when we told people we were going to get divorced we got comments like "Well, that was a long time coming", "You made it 2 years longer than I thought you would" and more like that.

There were SO many things that just slowly added up to the decisions over time.
In the first year, while I was pregnant with Judah, I had the worst continuous anxiety attack I had ever had in my life. I would BEG Jonathan to stay home. That I didn't want to be alone. That I NEEDED him to be there with and for me. He went to work anyway. I was so sick I couldn't eat or drink for about two weeks. I forced some water down, but not nearly enough. To this day I know Judah's two month premature birth was my fault because I couldn't eat or drink.

It was at that time I basically came to the conclusion that I would never be able to count on him to be there for me for any reason. I know it sounds awful of me, but honestly, I NEEDED him. More than I could have even put into words. I felt abandoned and alone.

During the second year of marriage I made some dumb suggestions on what we should do in the marriage. It was at that point that, according to Jonathan, he was hurt the most. I really can't expand on this part because I don't know what exactly he felt or thought.

Third year of marriage was when everything really started spiraling downward. We began fighting over petty things. He always talked to me and treated me like a child. He spoke to me the same way that he spoke to the children. I was no longer attracted to him. It wasn't until after we split that I figured it out, but I will get back to that in a minute.

It was during the third year of marriage that I first asked for a divorce. He would have nothing to do with it. We continued bickering for several more years and seeking marriage counseling.

About two weeks after our seventh anniversary we officially split up.

I did something I have been regretting everyday since. I attempted to overdose. It's a miracle I am here what I took. When people hear what I took they always stare at me baffled at how I am still alive, let alone with no permanent damage to any part of my body.

I know it sounds ridiculous to most people, but it was truly a wake-up call, like "wow, God has me here for a reason." Yes, I know and have heard it a millions times "Of course you have a reason for being here. You have three children who need their mom" "You have so many people who love you and it would break their hearts to lose you." and more like that. I want to clarify, when I got into this state of depression and anxiety, I convinced myself that they all would be better of without me.

Anyway, I got out of the hospital in January and moved in with my parents. I have been searching for a job. After having no luck in two months, I ended up going to bartending school. Finished it and continued looking for a job.

I have decided to go back to school again. I start on the 19th. I will be attending school to become a dental assistant. I am beyond excited! I am ready to make something of myself.

My life is going to be so different, but I am looking forward to it. I was terrified the first two months. I have never had to support myself. I have never had to pay bills. Nothing. But I am so happy that I am feeling confident and excited!

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