The Question Is....

The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.


Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety


My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....

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Life and it's strange ways....

I have been thinking a lot lately about life.
About me.
About others.
About everything.

Me....
Ahhhhh. Damn it. I changed my mind on posting this. I think it will be a personal journal entry. :/

I am so going to turn this post around 100%.
No need to focus on negative stuff.

So lately I have been couponing.
I have been saving so much money.

Ok.. My mind is MUCH too scatterbrained tonight. I don't think this posting thing is going to be a very good idea.

.....




Sleepy girl :), a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.


I caught him reading a paper insert. My word he's toooo cute for his own good!, a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #2

List 3 Legitimate Fears You Have And How They Became Fears.

I want to start this post by saying,  I have a ton of fears. I would say most are ridiculous and silly.

I have a hard time trying to decipher which are legitimate and which aren't.

I would say my biggest fear is the thought that my children grow and choose to not believe in God. The fear of any of my children not being in Heaven with me and going to hell scares the crap out of me. I Pray they accept and love Him.

Another fear I have is losing one or more of my children to death. After my friend Samantha and her husband lost their precious 2 year old Bram, I have been petrified of parking lots!. It's scary because they did EVERYTHING right and Bram was listening to his parents when a careless, distracted drive hit Bram. Seeing Sam and TJ go through what they have I have gained this fear!

My last fear is that I will never find someone to love me. That I will not be able to find a man who is willing to work through my issues. Someone who can have patience with me as I learn what it's like to be in a relationship and learn to trust again. I am not sure why or how this fear arose, but it was just recently. It's very hard to think about. I know this one may seem ridiculous but to me It's legitimate because, who wants to be alone?


So those are three of my legitimate fears.

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