Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Recent

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It's been a long time since I've posted. I really do need to try and keep up with this blog.

Since I posted last, lots of things have happened. The biggest being that I have had my youngest baby.  I will do an introduction post for him in a new post though.

I've never posted what had happened with Baby P's dad.

In August 2014 Baby P's dad assaulted me. He had been drinking and we had gone to bed. I decided to leave the bed to sleep on the couch.

I fell asleep and the next thing I knew he was waking me up by shaking my leg. I looked at him and he told me I needed to leave. I thought he was joking because, you know, normal couples do that sometimes when arguments or whatever happen. I looked at him and said "haha, soooo funny." He stared at me expressionless and said "no really, you need to leave." Once again, I still thought he was just messing with me and when I didn't move he got angry and said "NO, seriously.. You need to leave now! I never want to see you again."
I realized be was being serious and asked him why. He proceeded to tell me it was because it was disrespectful for me to leave the bed and that I was "nothing but a whore." He said that I wouldn't have left the bed if I wasn't cheating on him.

I stood up to leave and he grabbed my arms, shoved me back on the couch and ended up on top of me with his hand around my throat... choking me. I started throwing punches and he backed off right away. I screamed for help and he slammed his hand over my mouth, twisted my neck around, shoved my face into the couch and told me to "shut the f*!% up" because I was embarrassing him.

He finally backed off and more arguing commenced. I don't remember what all about but I finally got out and called the police. He was arrested that night.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant with Baby P.... I made the bad decision to go back to him two weeks later when he was bailed out of jail. I went back to tell him I was pregnant and I regret that decision every day.

Approximately 4 days later he and I were in the car when he started another argument.
To make a long story short, he was getting very angry and punching the dashboard and when he got in my face, started screaming as loud as he could and he tried to take my cell phone, I grabbed the mace I had to protect myself. The only way to get him away was to spray him. I called the cops and he was arrested again. He has been in jail and refusing to come to court since.

I've been going to the courthouses every month for my entire pregnancy. Next court date is July 13. They said they are bringing him to court by force/any means necessary.

His bail has been raised to $15000. Hopefully we can get this all straightened out and I can be done with him for good.

With all that being said, I am going to file for full custody. He ruined his chance at ever getting to be a father. I will not let an abusive alcoholic be around my child.

Eventually this will be settled and I won't have to worry about it. I am so ready for that. I look forward to that day.
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Saturday, December 20, 2014

Been forever!

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So I haven't posted in a very long time.
Got some stuff to update on.

First, I am expecting baby #4 on May 22, 2015.

On an ultrasound on Thursday we took a peek at gender. Baby was not being fully cooperative but we are 95% sure it's a BOY! I am so excited. 3 boys and 1 girl!

My two eldest were not the happiest. Judah, he took it the hardest. He was thinking it was my choice. That I had chosen a boy. Haha

I told them that God chooses if you have a boy or girl and Ora told me "No, my teacher says your tummy chooses". I said "well maybe your teacher doesn't believe in God, or she does and can't say that God chooses."

The next day they came around and were ok.

Ari just has no idea what's going on. I have the sneaking suspicion that he will not be happy because he will no longer be the baby lol.

Judah had a school play and had his own lines. He did so good, considering he is my shy child.

Ora is doing really well with reading. She's definitely my pro!

Ari is just getting big and is being a rotten little boy lol. He's so smart and adorable though.

I'm still working at walgreens....

This baby's dad is in jail for domestic violence. He will not be part of this Baby's life.

I'm feeling lonely and wanting to be in love but I don't see that happening any time soon, or at all.

Such is life.

Well I guess that's all for now.

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Sunday, December 1, 2013

The Question Is....

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The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.


Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety


My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....
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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

A post

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So, now that I finally have a chance to sit at a computer and type out a post, I shall.

I have been so busy lately, between three kids, school and full-time work, I don't get a lot of time to sit and write.

Judah started second grade.
He loves his teacher and is having so much fun. He still hates homework, but I tell him it's a part of life. We all have things we have to do that we don't necessarily want to do. We have to do them anyway. He is a smart kid. I know I say that all the time, but he really is. It amazes me to hear him talk about things and hold conversations with him. I think he teaches me just as much, if not more, that I teach him.

Ora started kindergarten.
She too is super smart and I love her dearly. This kindergartner uses words like "particularly". I mean really? Child. You are only 5! Stop trying to be so big. :) She too loves school and was SO happy when she saw it was me picking her up from school. That grin is precious and I love her to death. My little cuddle bug.

Ari started.... talking.... a LOT!
Ari is such a typical boy. He is a daredevil. He is also naughty. My rotten boy. But he is cute and I can see him changing so much. He is also still a BIG boy. The other day I went to pick up my nephew, who is 5 months younger (who for a while there was about to pass Ari up) and I braced myself to pick up a child Ari's size. Not so much. I felt like I was about to throw poor Ben with the force I but behind picking him up.
Ari is built like a little linebacker. Big boned and husky. LOVE!


Some conversations I have had with the kids.

Judah: Mom, I did some of my homework. Will you do the rest?
Me: No, son. That is your homework and your responsibility.
Judah: But I did most of it. I just want you to finish it for me. PLEASE?
Me: Judah, you need to do it. You are smarter than me. I don't know how to do that.
Judah: No, you're smarter.
Me: Nope. You are the smartest.
Judah: Mom, I'm only smarter at video games. You are smarter with homework.

HAHA, my dork. Thinking he can actually talk me into doing his homework.



Me: Judah, how was your first day of school?
Judah: Good. I like my teacher. She's very nice.
Me: That's wonderful!!! So.... Do you have a girlfriend?
Judah: *grumbles while smiling*
Me: Who is it?
Judah: .........
Me: Is it H_____? Is it V______?
Judah: *glares at me*
Ora: His girlfriend is V_______!!!!!! He's just too embarrassed to say it.
Me: Is that so? Who's your boyfriend Ora?
Ora: *grumble while smiling*
Judah: What does his name start with?
Ora: "J"
Me: Ohhhhh. Is it J1_____?
Ora: Not particularly. Kind of.
Judah: It's J2____!!!!!!
Me: Awwwww. J2____???? How cute!

I love teasing my kids. They think it's hilarious!

Ari always wants to see himself when being recorded or having pictures taken.
If he can't see himself he says "I WANT ARI!!!" "SEE ARI!!!"
HAHA. My silly boy.

And he catches me off guard with all his new words.
Today I made him a nutella sandwich and he goes "SAMMICH!!!"
And when he says "You k, mommy?"
And tonight when I put him down for bed he says "uh hug! uh kiss!" so I gave him a hug and kiss. Then when I was leaving the room he says "Uv you. Goodbye. Nigh-Nigh"


I just can't believe how big they are getting.
How smart and how gorgeous.
How loving and caring.

I found a baby picture of Judah and I literally like bawled all night thinking about how they all are supposed to be babies still.
But life doesn't work that way. I know 5 years down the road I will find pictures of them now and just bawl thinking. My boy is supposed to be 7. Or my girl is supposed to be 5. My baby is supposed to be 2.

It never ends. My amazing children.
I love them more than anything in this world!!!
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Monday, August 19, 2013

11:30pm

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So much has been happening. Good stuff!

School is going wonderfully!  I still love it (became a "lamplighter") 4.0 GPA.

I am living on my own now in a little studio apartment and its nice to have a place called "home" instead of crashing on peoples couches.

I am continuing to lose weight. 

I'm getting to know so many wonderful people through school and work.

Again, the only downfall is bring away from my kiddos! Yet, I do see them every time I get the chance. I love hugging them and kissing their little faces.

Judah could do without all of that though since he's "all grown up and stuff" now at 7 years old. No more cuddles for mommy, unless he's sick, then he wants the cuddles.

Miss Koryn-ee face is still a cuddle bug but her way of trying to get cuddles is to walk over and flop on top of you and continue flopping around lol. Goofy girl but she is a sweetheart.

Ari. He doesn't cuddle but he will give hugs and kisses. When I'm coughing he comes up "uh you k mom?" Such a sweet boy but also rotten. He is so mischievous.  Tell him no and he grins with a look of "I'm so cute, you can't be mad at me".

I had a big blessing at work. 
A mother and daughter came up to me and spoke words of wisdom, truth and encouragement.  I had a good cry with them. They were so sweet and the daughter said "I just want to take her home with me". 

I just can't put into words how grateful I am that there are good people in the world still. Strangers who love and care about others just because that's in their heart.

Despite having all these new people in my life who I love and care about there is something else...
I'm not going to lie about it, but I miss companionship. 
I miss sleeping in someones arms. 
I miss romance. 
I miss dates. 
I miss holding hands. 
I miss kisses. 
It feels a little like something is missing in my life, but I continue to hold onto hope that "he's" out there. Hopefully not too far away, but out there nonetheless.  It just seems anyone I'm interested in, isn't interested in me. 
I try and drop hints/clues but nothing comes of it.


I always think, "someday" and start singing "someday my prince will come". Silly huh? 

I've also just given up on trying to be what I think someone wants.
I am me. 
I am goofy. 
I and a dork to the max. 
I crack cheesy jokes and laugh at myself. 
I'm sarcastic.  
I am loving. 
I am faithful.  
I am caring. 
My heart aches to share my life with someone who can accept me for who I am. 
For my ups and downs. 
For my lack of tact. 
My baggage and Lord knows I have a bunch. 
I am not the person I was in high school. 
Hell, I'm not even the person I was 4 months ago!  
I have grown. 
I have become wiser. 
I have learned to be happy and to not let others determine my mood so much. 
Only I can make myself feel a certain way and I choose happy! 
I choose joy. 
I choose to live a positive life!
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Been a While

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Oh my life has been so crazy, busy and fun.

So school is going well and I am loving it. I am learning a ton and have made some good friends.

I also got a full-time job!
Nothing spectacular but hey its a job.
I like the people I work with, we laugh and joke around and even though its stressful at times, the moments we can chat are worth it.

My children are beautiful and wonderful and so fun! I love spending time with my gorgeous babies!

Judah will be starting 2nd grade this month and Ora will be starting kindergarten!  Ari will just be a typical 2 year old.

It's so hard being away from them so much between school and work after being a full-time stay at home mom, but it won't last forever and it will make my life with them easier in the long run!

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Saturday, May 18, 2013

Refocusing

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I have decided to do all that I can to focus on all the positive things in my life. Sure I have a lot of problems, but who doesn't?
Everyone deals with problems, everyone struggles.
Everyone has some aspect of their life that is completely screwed up, but there are so many people who deal with it so well.
I want to be one of those people!
I am going to focus on my children, building my relationship with them more and more.
I am going to focus on my schooling. I want to become a lamplighter at my school. It requires good grades, being prompt and not missing school. It looks excellent on your resume as well.
I am going to work to save, save, save money so I can purchase my own car.
I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful for my children, school, (possible job) and so on.
I have integrity.
I am honest.
I am pretty and I am losing weight.
I am smart.
I am a wonderful and loyal friend.
I am a hard worker.
And so much more!
When the time comes and the right man shows up, I will be a loving, faithful, and honest girlfriend.
I just need to find a man who will fight tooth and nail to be with me when I go through my issues.
I don't want to hear words.
I want to see actions.
Actions speak louder than words!
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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #12

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#12. Describe A Typical Day In Your Current Life

A typical day in my current life is hard to put on paper because so much is up in the air.
Waking up at about 6 am, getting ready, going to school from 8-12 then homework or hanging out with friends until evening and spending time with my kids whenever I can on the weekdays.
On the weekends I get to have my beautiful children to hang out with.

I do the basics as well..... eat, sleep, brush teeth, brush hair, drink, etc etc.

I am so incredibly tired right now.
I have a lot of hardships I am going through right now.

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Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother/Daughter Tea and Mother's Day

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On Saturday, May 11, 2013 I went to a mother/daughter tea in Thornton. 
It was good, it would have been better had I not had a huge argument with the kids dad. 
So my mom, myself and my daughter went up to the Golden Corral for the tea party and met up  with my sister and two of my nieces. 
The "theme" was being women of hope. 
To be completely honest, my head was else where. I had so much going on in my mind I don't remember half of the stuff that went on. I had one cup of tea, but by the time I got to it, it was already cold :/











These three little people are what gave me a reason to celebrate Mother's Day. I love them more than I could ever say! My Judah David, Ora Koryn and Ariah Patrick Lee, I love you so very much!

For mother's day I got some super sweet gifts from my Judah and Ora. They made them at school.
 My J-bug gave this to me and apologized that he wrote nice twice. I gave him a BIG hug and told him it was ok and that I LOVE the gift. 
 This is the front of the card Ora made for me. SO sweet. 
 This is what the inside of the card said. I also LOVE the way she writes her name. She's getting so good at it!
My GORGEOUS little girl!

All in all I had a really good time with my babies. I love them SO much. They are the best kids in the whole world. 
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Friday, May 10, 2013

Happy Happy Happy Birthday Ariah Patrick Lee

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Two years ago, today.. I gave birth to my third born, Mr. Ariah Patrick Lee.
He was my huge child, at a month early he weighed a whopping 10lbs 13oz.
If you are curious and would like to read the birth story of my beautiful boy follow the link to my old blog:
http://judahsmommy.blogspot.com/2011/05/on-tuesday-10-of-may-i-woke-up-at.html

I cannot believe he is an entire TWO years old.
They grow WAY too fast!!!

Heavily pregnant
In Labor
 He arrives
 SUMO
 My newborn in a size one diaper that didn't fit ;)



Now look at my boy! He is getting SO big!

Happy 2nd birthday my little booger!
I love you more than you could EVER IMAGINE.
I am excited to watch you grow and learn!

Know you can ALWAYS come to mommy if you need anything.
I will always be here for you my little man!!!

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Sunday, May 5, 2013

Happy Joyfulness

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So many things are looking up in life.
My kids are amazing.
School is going great.
I have met some amazing new friends.
I am just giddy giddy!

I can't wait to expand on everything, but I know several people who read my blog that would be preachy.

More to come SOON!!

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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #8.

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8. What are 5 passions you have?

Obviously my children are one of my passions. I am so passionate about helping them to lead good lives. I can't even put into words how much I dwell on it. I am working to better myself so that they can have all the things I never had. I want to be able to get them their first car. I want to provide them with the opportunity to go to college. I want to help them help themselves. 

Another passion of mine is music. I love so many different types of music. Country, pop, alternative, heavy metal, rock, hip-hop, rap and so much more. It all just depends. If I can relate to the lyrics I am drawn in. If it has a good tune or beat I will listen to it regardless of the lyrics. I just love music and listen to it all the time. If I don't have youtube playing in the background or on the radio I will have headphones and listen to the music on my phone. (If you have any song suggestions send them my way! I love discovering new music!)

My voice... No, not the sound of my own voice, but the opinions and stories I have to share. I love talking and sharing my experiences! This is a blessing and a curse because I have what I call "word vomit". It just pours out without me even realizing it, without being able to detect if a person is truly interested or if I am driving them crazy. I am a talker. You get me on a subject that I am interested in I could, and if permitted, will talk until your poor ears fall to the floor. 

I am passionate about bettering myself. Since separating from the kids dad I have been searching for a job. That was back in November. Applying to many jobs a day. Submitting resume after resume without any solid leads on getting a job. Well, last month I decided to go to bartending school. I attended Bartending and Casino College of Denver. I start school again on Friday! I am going back to become a dental assistant. I am beyond excited to learn more and actually make something of myself. To start a career, get on my feet and be able to support myself and my children. 

Photographs and videos... I used to want to be a photographer, but decided instead to just take pictures as a hobby. To take them to preserve memories so that I can always look back and see how my children have changed and grown. Blogging is obviously different but I love that it too can keep memories. I can type, take videos, take photos and so on so that I can look back see the changes and remember my beautiful childrens silly comments. These help me because honestly, I don't ever want to throw any of my kids drawings or letters away, but if I kept them all I would be in a world of hurt! lol. So I take pictures of the drawings/art work before throwing them away, that way I have them stored electronically and I don't feel as bad throwing stuff away :)
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Monday, April 15, 2013

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #7

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What is your dream job and why?


I can't WAIT to become a dental assistant. I start school on Friday and tomorrow is my school's orientation! I think being a dental assistant will be fun and I have also always had a thing for teeth. I like people with good teeth and would like to help with that. I also like that the school I will be attending actually teaches more than the typical dental assistant topics and go into orthodontics as well.

I am so excited about starting a new career!
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Sunday, April 14, 2013

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #6

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#6... IF YOU COULD HAVE 3 WISHES, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?

My first wish would most definitely be for my children! That they would have some awesome and amazing lives filled with love, joy and tons of adventure. That they would never feel pain whether it be physical or emotional. More than anything else, I hope my kids grow to know the Lord as their Savior and do their best to serve Him. 


My second wish would be to find true love. Someone who will love me for me. Someone who will love me despite my flaws. Someone who will stand by my side. Someone who  will love and care for not only me but my children as well. 


My third wish would be to remove all of the bad things that have happened in my past that contribute to my mental health issues and to abolish all depression, anxiety and other skewed thoughts that I have. 
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Saturday, April 13, 2013

30 Things That My Kids Should Know About Me. #5

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What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. My kids! They are everything to me. They make me smile. They make me laugh. They are beautiful, wonderful, silly, caring, obnoxious, frustrating, smooooshy, cuddly (even though they don't like to be cuddled I do it anyway) and SWEET.    I JUST LOVE THEMMMMMMM!!! (Getting a little excited over here. I haven't seen them all week and I get to have them over night tonight!!)

2. Family. I love my family. You all drive me batty, but I still love you!

3. Friends. My friends rock my socks! I love them all so much and how encouraging they are. I love that they are always there to listen to me bitch and complain even when they have their own troubles. I hope I am giving them adequate support and that I listen well. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

4. Music. I love listening to music and getting lost in the words. I love the way it engulfs my mind and takes me elsewhere. Lyrics that help me deal with my emotions and explain how I feel when I can't put my own feeling into words.

5. Photographs. I have been looking through so many old photos and it is really quite bittersweet. I just want to hold my tiny tot's again, but they are growing so fast it kinda breaks my heart. It breaks my heart but I am also happy that they are healthy and growing. Photographs make me happy because I will always have these amazing memories!

Christmas 2011. My Beautiful Kids! 
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Thursday, April 11, 2013

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #3

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Describe your relationship with their father.

This is a tough post to write. I would say all in all Jonathan and I are just not compatible.
I think we rushed into marriage and didn't truly get to know each other very well and the 3rd year into the marriage the incompatibility started rearing its ugly head.

He wanted something I was unable to provide. I wanted something he was unable to provide and for 5 years we fought to try and save the marriage, but after 5 years it became too much.

We decided that it would be better for us to separate/get divorced so that our children could see us as happy individuals than as an unhappy couple.

For 4 months after we separated we did not get along AT ALL. I couldn't stand to look at him or hear his voice. When I saw him all this anger would well up inside of me and I wouldn't know what to do.

He had done something that I found to be the most hurtful thing and I was bitter and angry. I cried and cried. I got sick to my stomach when I saw him.

It was until very recently I decided to forgive him. Not for his sake, but for mine. It was for my own sanity. My own health. My own peace.

We get along alright now. He still drives me batty. I still piss him off, but that is why we are no longer together.

We have our days where we get along and can have a decent conversation, but there are others where we just need to walk away. To be alone!

There will always be a part of me that will care about his well being as he IS the father of my children. He needs so be around for them so I hope he remains healthy and happy for them. I just don't have any sort of romantic feelings for him in any way shape or form.

I took Judah to a birthday party a while back and I saw how well his friends mom and dad got along. I talked to her on the side and told her about our impending divorce. I told her I would like to get along with Jonathan as well as she and her daughters father got along.
She explained that it wasn't always that way and that in the beginning of their separation they were constantly fighting and hated each other. She told me it took time and effort on both sides for them to become friends again.
She is now remarried and her husband is comfortable with them being friends.
I hope someday that Jonathan and I can be actual friends again and hope I can find someone who understands that he will always be my friend since he is the father of my beautiful children.

I always knew he would be a great father and he is.
We may not have worked out but he loves and cares for our kids and that is all that matters at this point.



Please forgive me if this all is a little jumbled. My head is jumbled. :/
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Saturday, April 6, 2013

Dreams and the Harlem Shake

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Ora woke up around 3:30 am. I was on the computer as I couldn't sleep.

She walked in the room and was completely out of it.
She had to try to tell me her dream though.
The conversation was as follows:

Ora: "Mommy, I had a dream."
Me: "Yeah? What was it about?"
Ora:  "It was that Frankencelery brought *inaudible mumbling*"...

I grabbed my phone to try to record it but I didn't get much of anything from her. :/
She fell back asleep!

When Judah woke up at a decent hour he informed me of his dream as well.

Judah: "Mom, I had a weird dream. I was eating big sparkly chapter books"
Me: "Did they taste good?"
Judah: "Yes"
Me: "What did they taste like?"
Judah: "I don't know"
Me: "But you said they tasted good."
Judah: "Yes, they did but I don't know what they tasted like... I also dreamed I had an accident on grandma's couch"
Me: "Did Grandma beat you up?"
Judah: "No... She didn't know about it!" *laughs*

And Ari... He says "da! Ari! Ah da buvah"
Sorry I can not translate his dream for you, but it must have been a good one because I saw him smiling in his sleep.

My kids are the best!

Also, their father is corrupting them.
He has watched so many Harlem Shake videos that he inadvertently trained my children to act like fools.

A video for your enjoyment!

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Friday, April 5, 2013

Divorce

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*Before I begin, I am going to be up front and honest in this blog. It's going to get very personal. I just want to lay my heart out there and share my stories.*


In November 2012, shortly after our seven year anniversary Jonathan and I decided to separate. I said it had been a long time coming, but when we told people we were going to get divorced we got comments like "Well, that was a long time coming", "You made it 2 years longer than I thought you would" and more like that.

There were SO many things that just slowly added up to the decisions over time.
In the first year, while I was pregnant with Judah, I had the worst continuous anxiety attack I had ever had in my life. I would BEG Jonathan to stay home. That I didn't want to be alone. That I NEEDED him to be there with and for me. He went to work anyway. I was so sick I couldn't eat or drink for about two weeks. I forced some water down, but not nearly enough. To this day I know Judah's two month premature birth was my fault because I couldn't eat or drink.

It was at that time I basically came to the conclusion that I would never be able to count on him to be there for me for any reason. I know it sounds awful of me, but honestly, I NEEDED him. More than I could have even put into words. I felt abandoned and alone.

During the second year of marriage I made some dumb suggestions on what we should do in the marriage. It was at that point that, according to Jonathan, he was hurt the most. I really can't expand on this part because I don't know what exactly he felt or thought.

Third year of marriage was when everything really started spiraling downward. We began fighting over petty things. He always talked to me and treated me like a child. He spoke to me the same way that he spoke to the children. I was no longer attracted to him. It wasn't until after we split that I figured it out, but I will get back to that in a minute.

It was during the third year of marriage that I first asked for a divorce. He would have nothing to do with it. We continued bickering for several more years and seeking marriage counseling.

About two weeks after our seventh anniversary we officially split up.

I did something I have been regretting everyday since. I attempted to overdose. It's a miracle I am here what I took. When people hear what I took they always stare at me baffled at how I am still alive, let alone with no permanent damage to any part of my body.

I know it sounds ridiculous to most people, but it was truly a wake-up call, like "wow, God has me here for a reason." Yes, I know and have heard it a millions times "Of course you have a reason for being here. You have three children who need their mom" "You have so many people who love you and it would break their hearts to lose you." and more like that. I want to clarify, when I got into this state of depression and anxiety, I convinced myself that they all would be better of without me.

Anyway, I got out of the hospital in January and moved in with my parents. I have been searching for a job. After having no luck in two months, I ended up going to bartending school. Finished it and continued looking for a job.

I have decided to go back to school again. I start on the 19th. I will be attending school to become a dental assistant. I am beyond excited! I am ready to make something of myself.

My life is going to be so different, but I am looking forward to it. I was terrified the first two months. I have never had to support myself. I have never had to pay bills. Nothing. But I am so happy that I am feeling confident and excited!


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