Friday, March 14, 2014

My Children, My Sweet, Poor Children

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Yesterday evening I took my children into their counseling sessions to see how they are dealing with the divorce. We opted to have them seen to see how they are dealing with the current situation because we feel they are just going to tell me what I want to hear and their dad wants to hear.

We will have a feedback session on the 27th to see how it all went.

Well, when we were walking back to the car I was holding Ora's hand and Judah was holding Ora's other hand. Judah was lifting Ora up by the arm to where she was walking tiptoe on one foot. Ora's was just giggling like crazy. She thought it was hilarious.

Instantly a thought popped into my head. I was thinking about how their dad and I used to walk with Judah or Ora between us and swing them every other step. Their beautiful giggles and begging "AGAIN! AGAIN!" were so sweet and my babies were so happy.

I began to think how they won't get to do that with mom and dad ever again. My poor sweet Ariah never got the chance and never will. It hit me so hard. I just cried and cried.

I told their dad how I felt. He asked me "so are you upset for the kids or are you upset that we aren't a couple anymore"

To be honest the question hit me off guard and the more I think about it the more I get kind of squeeze. Of course I am not upset about not being with him anymore. I don't want him back in any way shape or form. I simply got upset about things the kids will miss out on as without mom and dad being together.

My children are the lights of my life and all I've ever wanted was the best for them. It's all I still want for them.

I know that my ex and I being divorced is the best for them. We didn't get along. We fought constantly. My Kids deserve better than that. They will have better than that.

I love my babies so much. I just cuddled them and told them all how much I love them.

In the end it will all be ok. My babies will be ok. My Kids will be happy.

Judah, Ora and Ariah, mommy loves you more than anything in the world! I am going to do all that I have in my power to give you a happy childhood. *Hogs and Quiches!*
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Monday, March 10, 2014

Confused

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So very very confused.
I'm a dumb girl.
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Friday, February 14, 2014

When Kindergartners Are Smarter Than You/College

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So, today I went to my kids school to visit their class rooms. Judah is getting to the age where he gets embarrassed when mom shows him any sort of affection in front of his friends lol.

I didn't stay in Judah's room very long as for one he was preoccupied with his friends and then his class had to go to gym.

I went to Ora's room and had fun with her. She's still young enough that I can be a complete goofball and she is still proud that I'm her mommy.

Well, she was opening her Valentine's cards and could get one out. So I told her to let me help and as I'm tugging at it, a boy in her class came over and said "umm, it's supposed to stay in there." Lol I felt like a big dummy haha.

What's so funny about this is that I officially graduated from college today!
Yes, that's right, I am now a certified Dental Assistant!

Now, just to find a job!


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Wednesday, February 12, 2014

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #13

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#13. What is the hardest part of growing up?

Hell if I know.
I didn't find childhood easy.
I don't find adult life easy either.
I really don't think I have the "knowledge" to answer this.
Essentially my childhood was stolen from me.

You my beautiful babies, you will have amazing lives and you will have to tell me.
Just stay young my loves!
Don't be in a rush to grow up.

I LOVE YOU THREE!
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Love At First Sight

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Do I believe in love at first sight?

That is a very interesting question. It's going to be difficult to answer.

I want to say yes and no.

What I believe is that love is a choice. Those wonderful butterflies you get in your tummy and the heart racing with excitement to see someone will fade, and when those are gone its a choice to be made.

So love at first sight?

No: if you are basing it off of feelings, looks or whatever else it might be it will never last. You can't base love off of these things.

Yes: you can choose from day one to love somebody. You also have to keep in mind that there is a lot of work in a relationship. It won't always be good. There will be hard times and things will be said and done that will need to be forgiven by either party.

Love who you want to love, just make sure you are aware that it is a CHOICE not a FEELING.

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Sunday, January 5, 2014

On my heart.

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Ever since Jonathan and I split up I have struggled with trying to have any sort of relationship.
I give my all to try and make it work but something must be totally fucked up with me.
It seems like everything is going great then the chatting/texting is reduced greatly.
Then I make time to see them and they seem to always have a reason to not see me.
I just want honesty. If you don't like me, that's ok. I can handle it. Just be truthful.
I just don't know.
I guess I'm just not likable or lovable.
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Sunday, December 1, 2013

The Question Is....

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The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.


Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety


My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....
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