Excerpt from my journal

There is no simple way to explain how I feel. The way I have been used and abused.  My heart, so fragile, is not just broken but destroyed.

For a comparison, when you get into an auto accident, there are fender benders, which are mild, and have easily fixed damages. 

Then there are major accidents in which your car is totaled, extensive damage that cannot be repaired. 

If my heart were a car in one of these situations it would be the latter.

It feels as though I've been stabbed in the chest thousands upon thousands of times and the jaws of not life but of death were plunged deep in my chest cavity and opened. 

Opened so forcefully, yet slowly,warranting the pain of every rib breaking and cracking to be felt.

With every crack, fracture and break, a searing pain that is so zealous in the torture being placed upon me, that I believe there was no way possible that I could be mutilated any further.

Alas, my thoughts were faulty, just as my heart has been so many times.

Deep within they reach... each and every person and ripped a piece of my heart out. 

They proceed to squeeze and ring every bit of blood out of it before slamming it down on the floor and smashing and grinding it under the soles of their shoes.

They then shove it back at me and expect me to continue on with my life, as if I should be able to pick up and fix the damn thing and have an awesome life.

So many people wonder why I am so bitter...

I try so hard to be happy and to be able to trust everyone, forget that!!!

I have these walls built up around my heart, but I am so desperate for the love I have never experienced that I have let them come down way too easily. 

I let people in over and over and over because I never learn my lesson.

I am a lover and want to give someone all the love that I have to give, but I now believe I am too destroyed to be able to do so.

After the worst betrayal I could have ever thought of, how am I supposed to trust anyone with anything, especially my heart?

Blood is thicker than water??

Oh hell no!! That's the biggest load of crap I've ever been fed. Stupidest crap I've ever heard!

If these people could have done this to me who could I ever trust? 

No one the answer is NO ONE.

My heart is not broken...... My heart is destroyed!

I suppose all I can do is look at my wrist at my new tattoos and remember to just "keep moving forward"!

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Haikus

I have written some haikus lately.
Here there are:

Judah David

blonde hair, ice blue eyes
my bitty early surprise
two months too soon, son

Ora Koryn

seven pounds one ounce
darling dormant daughter, love
little head, bow worn

Ariah Patrick Lee

my giant newborn
one month early, ten thirteen
jowls I can't resist

Little Boy

little boy, my joy
sleeping soundly, so peaceful
tiny lids flickering

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Little Man Judah David

Sunday the 26th my gorgeous first born son turned 7 YEARS OLD!!!!!
Judah,
You are so incredibly special and precious to me. You are growing up to be such a loving little man! It's bittersweet and like the book I just bought for you and your sister and brother, I would keep you little but if I did I would miss out on so many things that you will experience and do as you grow older. I love your gorgeous blue/green/grey/silver color changing eyes. I see such love and compassion in them. You have such a compassionate and loving heart. I love you so deeply words can't even explain.
Love Mommy.
My Judah was 2 months premature. He weighed a whole 4 lbs 9 oz. He was so tiny, he was practically swimming in his preemie outfits.
To look at him now, you would never imagine that he was a preemie. He is quite tall and so very smart for his age.

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Doubts, Anger, Beliefs

I really don't even know how to begin this post.
I was talking to my mom on the way home today. I told her that I don't even know if God exists and if He does why does it seem like He is unloving.

I have anxiety and depression issues which, for the most part are stabilized.

Rewind. I just want to get this all out there. I don't have any idea why I try to hide it all the time.

So I saw a trauma specialist back in Dec/Jan and he helped me figure some stuff out/helped me with connecting dots from my past that I never considered to be a factor in my "issues".
When I was little I had a babysitter with a son.
Well the babysitter was obviously a very neglectful person seeing as all the stuff that happened she was "unaware of".
-First, she was not watching me and I fell down the stairs in my walker.
-Her son used to do that thing where you throw a kid over your shoulder and hold them (I call my kids "sack of taters" when I do it.) Well, this ass would do it and let me fall on the floor.
-He used to tie ropes around my neck and drag me around the house like a dog.
-My sister told my kids dad that she remembered him trying to drown me.
-She wasn't watching me again and I crawled under the teeter-totter with kids on it. It came down and smashed my eyebrow open.

It was at the hospital when I was getting my stitches in my eyebrow that the doctors saw the rope burns around my neck and thought my parents were abusing me.

This is only the stuff any of us can remember but the trauma specialist helped me. I told him all these things and certain behaviors I had even at an early age.
Obviously that abuse/neglect are huge factors, but other behaviors I exhibited led him to the conclusion that I was also sexually abused.

So I have all this stuff going on.
I have had these issues for almost 20 years.
20 years of praying.
I have given up on prayer.

See, God is supposed to be our "Loving Father" and He is supposed to be able to do anything.
I have prayed for all these YEARS to have it all taken from me.

I still have it. Where is He? If He exists, why does he let me deal with this?
I know that if I had the ability, I would not let my children suffer for even a minute. I would instantaneously remove any pain or fear from them. If God "loves me so much" WHY do I deal with all this stuff.


Also, aside from that, WHY, if he is an all loving God, does he condemn people to hell AT ALL.
If it were MY choice, even my worst enemies would be in heaven after death because people don't deserve hell.
If he loves everyone so much, why does he care about so many different things.

One- homosexuality. WHO CARES? If you love someone, you love someone. You can't help who you fall in love with... period.
Homosexuality, HOW is that a "sin that condemns you to hell"? Who is it hurting? The answer: ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!
Homosexuality is not like MURDER, ABUSE, RAPE and NO, people who like the same sex aren't PEDOPHILES!!!!

Me, I don't care who my kids love as long as they are happy!!!

Sex outside of marriage. WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE A SHEET OF PAPER "UNITING" TWO. IF YOU ARE IN LOVE AND WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH SOMEONE IT'S OK DAMN IT.
I understand that you DO need to love the person. You need to know that that person is NOT going to just abandon you. Use you, abuse you and abandon you. I don't believe in sex without emotional connection. I tried the one night stand thing. It fucking sucked, though I do have to say, those are better than when a man will lie straight to your face, just to fornicate and rip your heart apart and kill your soul.
Fuck anyone who isn't there to restore and build you up.

Someday my prince will come.

Ok shower time then bed time...........

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Refocusing

I have decided to do all that I can to focus on all the positive things in my life. Sure I have a lot of problems, but who doesn't?
Everyone deals with problems, everyone struggles.
Everyone has some aspect of their life that is completely screwed up, but there are so many people who deal with it so well.
I want to be one of those people!
I am going to focus on my children, building my relationship with them more and more.
I am going to focus on my schooling. I want to become a lamplighter at my school. It requires good grades, being prompt and not missing school. It looks excellent on your resume as well.
I am going to work to save, save, save money so I can purchase my own car.
I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful for my children, school, (possible job) and so on.
I have integrity.
I am honest.
I am pretty and I am losing weight.
I am smart.
I am a wonderful and loyal friend.
I am a hard worker.
And so much more!
When the time comes and the right man shows up, I will be a loving, faithful, and honest girlfriend.
I just need to find a man who will fight tooth and nail to be with me when I go through my issues.
I don't want to hear words.
I want to see actions.
Actions speak louder than words!

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #12

#12. Describe A Typical Day In Your Current Life

A typical day in my current life is hard to put on paper because so much is up in the air.
Waking up at about 6 am, getting ready, going to school from 8-12 then homework or hanging out with friends until evening and spending time with my kids whenever I can on the weekdays.
On the weekends I get to have my beautiful children to hang out with.

I do the basics as well..... eat, sleep, brush teeth, brush hair, drink, etc etc.

I am so incredibly tired right now.
I have a lot of hardships I am going through right now.

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30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #11

#11- List 10 Pet Peeves You Have.

1. Not having any privacy. Parent's knocking on the door every time I shut it to be alone for a while.
2. People who are rude and do not have common manners. ALWAYS say "Please" "Thank You" and "You're Welcome".
3. Men who don't hold doors open for women or elderly people.
4. Boogers in kids noses. Parent's get those boogers OUT! I never let my kids walk around with boogers in their nose.
5. People who try to control EVERYTHING!!!
6. Losing things. I HATE when I can't remember where I put something. I get mean!
7. When my face feels greasy or feels dry. Weird.
8. Getting pebbles, sand or other particles in my shoes.
9. When my brain doesn't cooperate and give me the words to say until long after a conversation is over.
10. When people claim to love, care and trust me but their actions scream the opposite. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

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