On my heart.

Ever since Jonathan and I split up I have struggled with trying to have any sort of relationship.

I give my all to try and make it work but something must be totally fucked up with me.

It seems like everything is going great then the chatting/texting is reduced greatly.

Then I make time to see them and they seem to always have a reason to not see me.

I just want honesty. If you don't like me, that's ok. I can handle it. Just be truthful.

I just don't know.

I guess I'm just not likable or lovable.

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The Question Is....

The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.


Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety


My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....

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Life and it's strange ways....

I have been thinking a lot lately about life.
About me.
About others.
About everything.

Me....
Ahhhhh. Damn it. I changed my mind on posting this. I think it will be a personal journal entry. :/

I am so going to turn this post around 100%.
No need to focus on negative stuff.

So lately I have been couponing.
I have been saving so much money.

Ok.. My mind is MUCH too scatterbrained tonight. I don't think this posting thing is going to be a very good idea.

.....




Sleepy girl :), a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.


I caught him reading a paper insert. My word he's toooo cute for his own good!, a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.

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A post

So, now that I finally have a chance to sit at a computer and type out a post, I shall.

I have been so busy lately, between three kids, school and full-time work, I don't get a lot of time to sit and write.

Judah started second grade.
He loves his teacher and is having so much fun. He still hates homework, but I tell him it's a part of life. We all have things we have to do that we don't necessarily want to do. We have to do them anyway. He is a smart kid. I know I say that all the time, but he really is. It amazes me to hear him talk about things and hold conversations with him. I think he teaches me just as much, if not more, that I teach him.

Ora started kindergarten.
She too is super smart and I love her dearly. This kindergartner uses words like "particularly". I mean really? Child. You are only 5! Stop trying to be so big. :) She too loves school and was SO happy when she saw it was me picking her up from school. That grin is precious and I love her to death. My little cuddle bug.

Ari started.... talking.... a LOT!
Ari is such a typical boy. He is a daredevil. He is also naughty. My rotten boy. But he is cute and I can see him changing so much. He is also still a BIG boy. The other day I went to pick up my nephew, who is 5 months younger (who for a while there was about to pass Ari up) and I braced myself to pick up a child Ari's size. Not so much. I felt like I was about to throw poor Ben with the force I but behind picking him up.
Ari is built like a little linebacker. Big boned and husky. LOVE!


Some conversations I have had with the kids.

Judah: Mom, I did some of my homework. Will you do the rest?
Me: No, son. That is your homework and your responsibility.
Judah: But I did most of it. I just want you to finish it for me. PLEASE?
Me: Judah, you need to do it. You are smarter than me. I don't know how to do that.
Judah: No, you're smarter.
Me: Nope. You are the smartest.
Judah: Mom, I'm only smarter at video games. You are smarter with homework.

HAHA, my dork. Thinking he can actually talk me into doing his homework.



Me: Judah, how was your first day of school?
Judah: Good. I like my teacher. She's very nice.
Me: That's wonderful!!! So.... Do you have a girlfriend?
Judah: *grumbles while smiling*
Me: Who is it?
Judah: .........
Me: Is it H_____? Is it V______?
Judah: *glares at me*
Ora: His girlfriend is V_______!!!!!! He's just too embarrassed to say it.
Me: Is that so? Who's your boyfriend Ora?
Ora: *grumble while smiling*
Judah: What does his name start with?
Ora: "J"
Me: Ohhhhh. Is it J1_____?
Ora: Not particularly. Kind of.
Judah: It's J2____!!!!!!
Me: Awwwww. J2____???? How cute!

I love teasing my kids. They think it's hilarious!

Ari always wants to see himself when being recorded or having pictures taken.
If he can't see himself he says "I WANT ARI!!!" "SEE ARI!!!"
HAHA. My silly boy.

And he catches me off guard with all his new words.
Today I made him a nutella sandwich and he goes "SAMMICH!!!"
And when he says "You k, mommy?"
And tonight when I put him down for bed he says "uh hug! uh kiss!" so I gave him a hug and kiss. Then when I was leaving the room he says "Uv you. Goodbye. Nigh-Nigh"


I just can't believe how big they are getting.
How smart and how gorgeous.
How loving and caring.

I found a baby picture of Judah and I literally like bawled all night thinking about how they all are supposed to be babies still.
But life doesn't work that way. I know 5 years down the road I will find pictures of them now and just bawl thinking. My boy is supposed to be 7. Or my girl is supposed to be 5. My baby is supposed to be 2.

It never ends. My amazing children.
I love them more than anything in this world!!!

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A Song I Take to Heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaXr2vGDQwk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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On lunch

I have gotten almost nothing done in my department tonight. Why?
Every time I turn around I have customers asking me for stuff. Its been a rough night.

I am just now on lunch at 8:40 and I get off at 10. And I still have to do my last 15min break. Well at least I will have a quiet night hiding away from customers.

I can feel myself slowly reverting back into antisocial mode.

I hate it but my thoughts of people not liking me are coming back. I want to have a little get together at my apartment but have convinced myself no one would come.

I've also convinced myself that no one will ever fall in love with me again. I'm convinced no one has ever been in love with me. I swear I have some big character flaw that I just can't see.

I mentioned in an earlier post about a mother and daughter who came in and spoke with me. The mother (we shall refer to her as "C") was wise and really opened my eyes to something I never thought of before.

She told me that if a man doesn't give you what you have been giving yourself and is taking away from you rather than giving that its not worth it.

I started thinking about it all and realized that I haven't had the type of relationship where I was given to rather than taken away. 

Now this is not a "throw my ex under the bus" post just experiences that I had and how what "C" really resonates with it all.

So before I got married I was very athletic.  I never wanted to stay home. I was an outdoorsy type of girl. I loved camping, hiking, fishing and going on walks. I also loved to just go out to things even if it was to just go to a local animal shelter and visit the animals.

When I was married, I would beg him to come with me. I begged him to go camping and stuff but he always refused. He insisted he stay home and I take the kids.

This is where the words of wisdom from "C" hit home.

I feel as though those things in my life were taken. I haven't been camping in like 10 years. I've been fishing once, only because my dad took us. I had these things taken from my life rather than having things added to my life.

I became incredibly lazy. Gained a shit ton of weight. Became depressed, lethargic and antisocial.  So my life was turned upside down.

Maybe no one will fall in love with me again because I have high expectations?  I don't feel like they are too high though. I just want someone to add to my life. I don't expect them to make me their entire world or buy me everything or whatever. I want quality time. I want cuddles. I want love. I don't think I will find it :(

I don't want a man to just rely on. I am working supporting myself. I can take care of myself. I want the companionship. I want to go out and hang out. Its hard to put into words and I'm tired.

I'm tired of men taking advantage. 

I have major trust issues.

I just... I know what I want. I don't need a man to fulfill my life. I just want a partner. I don't know if it will happen....

Too much in my mind right now.

I gotta get back to work. I may continue this tomorrow. 

Goodnight for now.

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In my daughters eyes

Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxPnAOMpbqA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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