Thursday, April 11, 2013

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #3

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Describe your relationship with their father.

This is a tough post to write. I would say all in all Jonathan and I are just not compatible.
I think we rushed into marriage and didn't truly get to know each other very well and the 3rd year into the marriage the incompatibility started rearing its ugly head.

He wanted something I was unable to provide. I wanted something he was unable to provide and for 5 years we fought to try and save the marriage, but after 5 years it became too much.

We decided that it would be better for us to separate/get divorced so that our children could see us as happy individuals than as an unhappy couple.

For 4 months after we separated we did not get along AT ALL. I couldn't stand to look at him or hear his voice. When I saw him all this anger would well up inside of me and I wouldn't know what to do.

He had done something that I found to be the most hurtful thing and I was bitter and angry. I cried and cried. I got sick to my stomach when I saw him.

It was until very recently I decided to forgive him. Not for his sake, but for mine. It was for my own sanity. My own health. My own peace.

We get along alright now. He still drives me batty. I still piss him off, but that is why we are no longer together.

We have our days where we get along and can have a decent conversation, but there are others where we just need to walk away. To be alone!

There will always be a part of me that will care about his well being as he IS the father of my children. He needs so be around for them so I hope he remains healthy and happy for them. I just don't have any sort of romantic feelings for him in any way shape or form.

I took Judah to a birthday party a while back and I saw how well his friends mom and dad got along. I talked to her on the side and told her about our impending divorce. I told her I would like to get along with Jonathan as well as she and her daughters father got along.
She explained that it wasn't always that way and that in the beginning of their separation they were constantly fighting and hated each other. She told me it took time and effort on both sides for them to become friends again.
She is now remarried and her husband is comfortable with them being friends.
I hope someday that Jonathan and I can be actual friends again and hope I can find someone who understands that he will always be my friend since he is the father of my beautiful children.

I always knew he would be a great father and he is.
We may not have worked out but he loves and cares for our kids and that is all that matters at this point.

Please forgive me if this all is a little jumbled. My head is jumbled. :/


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